Reflection

2016 can kiss my ass.

I have never been so happy to see a year disappear into the past. Between the horrible break up, the death of my step father, the numerous “almost relationships” and everything else this year was by far one of the most challenging ones I have conquered.

The latter part of the year was much better, with a great job opportunity and a trip to NYC,  but i sometimes find myself sadly reflecting on the last year and wishing things were different.

When will I stop looking back and just move forward?

I have found myself in another “almost relationship” and for once this year, it wasn’t me who ended it. About a month ago i tried online dating again and it was disaster. After two weeks I once again closed down bumble, tinder and match and washed my hands of it. After all, my psychic did say I would meet someone in a normal fashion, not by means of consciousness. So three weeks ago when one of my best friends and old co workers informed me that a guy in Pricing asked about me, I was instantly flattered and excited. The guy lives in Springfield, Missouri and while we did meet briefly once last year the majority of our interactions over the last four years have been via phone and IM.

I always enjoyed speaking to him and I definitely had a bit of a crush while we talked. However, he frequently brought up his girlfriend and he is 6 years YOUNGER than me. I sometimes got the feeling he had a crush on me as well, just from how he spoke to me, but nothing ever came of it, until my friend brought it up to me and in a laughing manner.  A few days prior I had noticed he had creeped on my LinkedIn page and I used this as a prefect way to open up the conversation. Turns out he and his girlfriend of three years broke up over the summer and he was single.

He came right out with it “I always had a crush on you. If I came to Memphis would you go on a date with me?”

I immediately got excited. Here was a guy who I have known for almost four years, who is a nice guy, wanting to ask me out. This wasn’t someone who had only seen pictures of me. This was someone who I worked with closely (even if it wasn’t in person). The connection was already there. The one problem was Springfield is 4 and half hours away from Memphis.

He assured me the distant didn’t matter to him and we needed to go on a date. For a week straight it was texts all day, phone calls that lasted well into midnight and even face-timing for up to 5 hours. There was flirtatious and but sweetness and for the first time in a VERY long time my heart fluttered just a bit.

It is honestly very hard for me to like someone right off the bat. I definitely didn’t happen in my last relationship, I basically had to talk myself into that one, so going into this already feeling so connected and on the same page was new and exciting. I had a few clients I needed to meet with up in Arkansas which just so happened to be an hour and half away from where he lived. We decided he would drive down and take me to dinner.

I immediately got nervous. For one, i have let myself go through year physically. I am the heaviest I have been in the last 6 years and I knew most of the photos he had seen of me were when i was 20 pounds lighter. His age almost made me nervous, but I thought of several of my friends who have dated and or married men much younger than them so I convinced myself not to worry about that either.

He was equally as excited and nervous as me.

I meet him outside my hotel and he immediately ran up and gave me the biggest hug. We went to dinner and it felt so right. Our conversation, the meal, everything. He wouldn’t stop smiling and for once I thought this was really the perfect first date. We went back to the hotel and he kissed me and once again everything seemed so right. He did stay with me that night, but we didn’t have sex. I was pretty firm on it and he was very understanding.

He went on about how he was going to come to Memphis in the next few weeks.

The next day however I immediately noticed his texts to me dropped. I refused to read into it, so I didn’t text him either. That evening he did check up on me, but I could tell something was different. The next day, the same thing. He did start trying to flirt with me a bit toward that evening but it still wasn’t the same. We were going into Christmas weekend so I chalked it up to family time and the craziness of the holiday. By Christmas Day I became more concerned.

What happened? Things were going so well. He said so, and then he just disappeared.

By Wednesday I had had enough. I needed to know what was going on. If it was anyone else I would have let it go. If it had been a guy I met on bumble I would have just chalked it up to us not clicking. But we did… and we have been clicking for years. So what happened?

We finally spoke on the phone. He basically said he wasn’t ready to be in another long distant relationship.

But I know the truth. He just wasn’t that into me. He said that wasn’t true, but I know what its like when a guy really likes you. Distance wouldn’t have mattered.

He is only 6 months out of a 3 year long relationship. I told him he wasn’t ready period. I was the first person he asked out and he just realized he wasn’t ready. Even if I was in the same city, the same out come would have happened.

But I am so bummed. He makes me laugh so hard and he is so smart. There are so many things that I thought we clicked on. But he is about to go through his quarter life (he hates his job and he needs a change) let alone he isn’t over his last girlfriend. So I had to let him go.

He said he would check up on me. But the few times we have spoken this week was because I drank and texted him or sent him a funny snapchat. I hate that girl. The girl that purposely tries to get attention. She is desperate and lonely and knows how to get him to response.

But I miss talking to him. I already missed talking to him after I quit my old company but now its a real burn. And I don’t understand why he can’t want to talk to me still.

I am funny, beautiful, successful and one of the kindest people I know.

Why can’t I get pass this phase with anyone? Especially someone I actually like?

The one good thing that came out of this was that I know I am FINALLY over my ex because I have had real feelings for this guy. I even cried.

 

 

Friendsgiving

As much as I love Christmas, Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. A lot of my friends who moved away come home during this time,  people aren’t tired of the holidays yet and who doesn’t love a reason to binge eat?

I attended my first Thanksgiving/ Friendsgiving event last night. My lovely friend Monica, hosted at her and her boyfriend’s condo. They moved all the furniture out of the living room and brought in small tables and we decorated them with candle holders, baby pumpkins and votives.

There were different groups of people there but we all came together to say thanks for our friendships and this beautiful town we live in.


Potluck for days

I made my famous deviled eggs… which of course I completely forgot to take a photo of. It amazes me how people think they are hard to make. It’s my go to for potlucks because it’s very rare that people won’t like them. I made 20 eggs total, split in twos and they were all gone! 


The damage

I’m finally feeling more into the holiday season and last nights get together really pumped me up for it.

A few posts back I spoke of how I was dreading this holiday or lack there of. I worked up the courage to tell my mom that I really wanted a holiday since we haven’t had one in four years. She actually agreed and has started making tons of plans. Although this season will be sad (due to my stepfathers death earlier this year) I think staying busy will make it better for her.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all!

What Does It Mean When A Ghost Returns?

Three months ago I went out for dinner and drinks with a 26 year old. He was super tall, cute and made me laugh. A lot.

When we met up I told myself to have low expectations, for one: because of our age difference and two: because I always feel like I’m not attractive. I didn’t really get the vibe he was that into it but after dinner he suggested we go downtown to the roof of the Madison.

It was still warm so the breeze was perfect and the view of the Mighty Mississippi was breathtaking. I had my second drink and then they shut the bar down. He suggested we go to Sillly Goose, a bar that I find mostly douche bags hang out in. I was hesitant until he said the people watching is amazing there, so I agreed.

We perched ourselves on a couch and began giving voices to the strangers around us. At this point I was still thinking things were platonic so I was able to be more myself than ever. We laughed and laughed. And as midnight grew closer he put his hand on my leg. I was surprised but I didn’t move it.

Shortly after he leaned in for a kiss and we didn’t stop kissing for a good hour. He drove me home but we stayed in the car and made out for a while. Very PG rated but it was hot. He walked me to the door and pinned me against it, not ready for me to escape. I told him I wasn’t ready for anything physical and he said maybe we could go out the next night.

We talked the following day. Both hungover and watching Netflix’s from our own apartments. He said he wasn’t feeling like do anything that even but he would let me know later in the week.

Four days passed and I heard nothing. My feelings were bruised slightly so I decided to check in and say hi.

No response.

The next day I tried again. Same outcome.

I sent him one last text, “Kaleb, it’s ok. I totally get it. You really aren’t that into me. I’m a grown woman and can handle it. I wish you well and hope you enjoy living in Memphis. Take care.”

I washed my hands of it and the next week I started dating Alex. It honestly sucked a bit but not too much. I guarded my heart by having low expectations. I deleted him off snapchat and went on with my life.

And then two weeks ago out of the blue he added me on snapchat again.

I was confused. Maybe he accidently hit the add all contacts. So I deleted him again. He added me back.

He sent me snap asked if I had taken the job where I was interviewing at.  I confirmed. He works for a prospect of one of my coworkers. I had two open seats at a table for this large function people in my industry attend the next week so I asked him if his two bosses would be interested but he said that weren’t. He then came back and said if he wasn’t flying to Atlanta for the week he would have come with me.

Two days past and then this.

“Sorry for being an ass earlier and going silent. It was dumb and I shouldn’t have. I just wanted to tell you.”

I was surprised. I waited for a while before responding. This was the first time someone who ghosted me apologized. I later accepted his apology. What else should I have done?

I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him again. I am firm in my no dating status at the moment, but I did have so much fun with him last time. I am hosting my company’s suite at the Memphis Grizzlies game this Saturday and I had an extra ticket. I told him and asked if he would come. He said he would love to and is looking forward to it.

The week will tell if he actually shows up.

What do you think of all of this?

Have any of you been ghosted only to resurrected?
  Pictures from last week:

Me and Monica at Port Night 

My beautiful friend caroline at her wedding. I sang two songs during the ceremony.

Attended the Carrie Underwood concert on Sunday night. 

No Longer Drinking

Last Saturday night me and my friends gathered at my favorite place to celebrate my 32nd birthday. Overall turning 32 hasn’t bothered me. Sure, it makes me realize how much closer I am to 40, still single and longing for a family of my own. But I am fairly content other than that.


The night started off great. Me and my friend Liz sipped sweet tea and spoke about how thankful we were for our friendships. As more and more of my friends trickled in, I ordered a plate of pork tenderloin and veggies. And then I began to order drinks.

The last two years or so I have really cut back my drinking. But from time to time, if there is a special event and friends are together, I end up drinking way too much. I was the girl who always wanted to take shots and had “grand ideas” about drinking. And typically my friends know to say NO. But since it was my birthday they gave into my wishes.

This is where things begin to get hazy. I had invited the guy who I have taken over for at work. He is in the middle of divorce and older. But he came out because they were showing games. I end up pushing my friends to take more shots meanwhile apparently coming on to my coworker.

Talk about embarrassing.

I believe I drank 5 tequila sunrises and six shots. I remember leaving the yard to head to a bar. And from there I have no memory. My friends got me home ok and despite loosing my raybans, I managed to home and in the bed before midnight.

Sunday, I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong. I called my friends to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. And luckily I didn’t, but they didn’t realize how drunk I was. They just knew I was ready to leave once my co worker left. 

👎🏼

TMI. I never throw up. Like never!

But I did for 12 hours even after there was nothing left. If I even semi sipped a drink of water, it came right back up. And this lasted through half of Monday. I basically came to the conclusion I must have had some form of alcohol poisoning.

32 years, and 11 years of drinking and I poisoned myself.

I’m disappointed in myself. Mostly for the 200 dollar tab I discovered on my card. 

Did I mention I get generous when I drink?

The thought of even a sip of alcohol again makes me sick. I don’t plan on drinking again anytime soon. And I was reminded again that I am not 22. 

Moving On

I have met a nice guy. He is smart, funny, tall, attractive and overall I am very comfortable with him. We have gone on about 6 dates over all and while I did not have immediate feelings for him, the more time I spend with him the more I like him.

I was actually ready to end it with him last week. There are a few things we don’t agree on so my excuse to ending our courtship would be easy. He is 28 years old and bit lost right now (as all 29 year olds his age seem to be). He asked if I would go to Texas Day Brazil this past Thursday and I agreed. I was adamant that this would be our last day.

Half way through dinner he said, “May I ask you a personal question?”

“Of course.”

“Are you happy?”

I was completely thrown off guard. I thought he was going to ask me something completely different. I answered immediately, “Of course I am happy.”

He responded, “I ask this because you sometimes seem sad about things, and it appears your family causes you a lot of stress.”

I thought about it. And while there are many things in my life that are very good at the moment; my job, living in Memphis, dating…. there are many things that make me sad.

I decided to open up. And I told him, everything. I told him about my ex that died, and the disappointment from my failed last relationship, and how I sad I am still about the loss of my stepfather in May that I have not began to grieve for. It was heavy material, but he responded so well. He opened up as well about some things that make him sad. About the life he has led where for a long time he was the parent to both of his parents and how this has skewed him and how he is trying to fix it.

I saw a different side of him and I liked it. I was sad when the night ended.

The next two days, I reflected on it. I began to realize what I was doing. I was pushing someone away who cared for me because deep down in my subconscious I am still waiting on my Ex to call and say he made a mistake. I can’t move on because I can’t let go.

Then, like a sign from God, on Saturday I was scrolling through facebook and one of my co-workers was at a charity event. My ex and his sister (who he has this unnatural relationship with) were in the background. His hair was cut back to the way he had it when we were dating and him in his same old clothes. I only saw his back, but it sent a shockwave through me.

For one, I realized immediately that he will never change. He will always be glued to his sister. I messaged my friend there and she saw him but didn’t realize he was in the photo. She said he was playing 5th wheel to the group (as usual). I tried to push it out of my mind and attempted to enjoy the rest of the evening with my friends.

On Sunday, me and the new guy went for breakfast and a walk around down by the River. Once again I found myself relaxed and enjoying his company even more. He has an ease in the way he has been so caring for me. Very subtle but I know he likes me, as he has told me on a few occasions.

After our walk, I decided to use the afternoon for more reflection. And then I did something really strange and I am slightly embarrassed to admit.

I contacted a physic.

YES. I realize that this is just so silly of me.

Here is the information I gave her: Mine and my ex’s birthday. The amount of time we dated and that we have been broken up for 7 months. And the question I asked was, “Am I foolish for waiting for him to change his mind?”

That was the only information I gave her.

I received a 3 minute video and her response was chilling.

“I hope you are doing well today. And I hope you don’t find this message negative. But from the cards, I see that your previous relationship had no backing. You cared way more than he ever did and deep down you know this. He always had one foot in, and one foot out. He is stuck in the past with someone, and for a bit he honestly thought he was going to get her back after he dumped you. But that did not work out. He will never feel remorse for dumping you because his heart was never fully in it. If he ever does, it will be long down the road, for the cards that I read show him being a lone for many years. Do not think that the breakup had anything to do with you. In fact, he only stayed as long as he did to please those around him. It is time to let him go and my advice is to completely move on. In fact, I see someone coming into your life in the next few months. Someone completely opposite than him. Someone with light hair, light eyes who will admittedly care for you in ways that Chad never could. It is time to let go so you can completely open up. Stop waiting for something that will never happen and move on.”

I was floored. She nailed it. And although everything she said I already knew, it was like the final straw in my wait for him. And I really realized it was NEVER going to happen.

She was right… there is a tall lighter hair man (which i normally do not date) with light eyes who has shown he cares. And it is time for me to stop living in the past and fully move on.

I am ready to leave the past where it is and try to look forward to what may come.

 

Labor Day Weekend

 

Labor Day Weekend was a dream. I woke up early on Saturday morning and rushed up to where my sister and her kids live. She is divorced so I rarely get to see her kids during the week. My dad was over building a new swing set for them:

Under the Wisteria at my Mother’s House

Little Don (2), Me, and Eli (5). These sweet little ones made my day.

Little Don loves his new swing set!!

Eli and his crazy grandmother (my mom)

Action Shot! Eli decided to go down the slide backwards…

On Monday, me and my friend Liz decided to hit up the new Shelby Farms. They have three mile track I like to walk. The weather was perfect. Overcast even though it was still about 90 degrees!

Overall it was such a perfect weekend. I love to take photos so I am hoping to start doing a weekly blog of just the photos I take during the week. I am NO professional, but I enjoy the pictures.

 

 

Change is Good

I have debated if I should blog about this until it has officially happened. But I have held it in TOO long.

I am officially leaving my job of 5 years to go to another place. I start next Friday. I have NOT given my notice because my boss (who I am close to personally) has been on vacation the last week and I really want to do it in person out of respect for her and I didn’t want to ruin her vacation. I am in a sales position, so the second I give them my notice they will make me leave.

It all started about three months ago. My place of employment requires the sales people to be very active on LinkedIn. I post updates about the industry and write posts. This has led to me getting countless requests from recruiters and competitors. I have repeatedly turned them down for a very long time. I have been happy with my job and I have done well.

But two months ago I received a connection request from a very large company. I didn’t think much about it, because I get those pretty often too. I accept and within an hour he had sent me a message about a job that they had open. I was immediately interested because it is the DREAM to work for this company. But my loyalty and happiness here made me say no. Weekly he checked in with me, still asking if we could talk on the phone so that he could really tell me about this job opportunity. I had one bad week, and decided to give him a call.

I told him I was happy where I was and that there was nothing they could offer me to make me want to leave where I am. He asked me to just send him my resume, and look at the job online. If I felt compelled to interview he would be the one doing it along with two other executives. I talked it over with my work BFF and she said what was the harm. Our company has been suffering the last three years and who knows where we will be in the next 5. So I wrote up a new resume fast (didn’t even proof read it), checked out the online job and applied. I received word the next day when my interview would be.

Going over to their office was pretty amazing. The size and just the feeling of walking in gave me goosebumps, but I wasn’t nervous. If there is one thing I can sell, it is myself. I walked into the room and was drilled by the executives for over an hour. And I nailed it. Upon walking out, my main contact said “You didn’t even seem nervous.” and I said, “I wasn’t. I have nothing to lose because I am not trying to leave.”

A week went by and I didn’t hear anything. I thought to myself that I had done the right thing by taking a chance, but I knew it wouldn’t amount to anything.

But then my contact called me. He said out of 50 people that they received applications for, they narrowed it down to 25, then to 10, then they interviewed 5 candidates. And I was their unanimous pick for number one.

Talk about an ego boast.

I thanked him and before I could finish my sentence he said, “Let me tell you what we want to offer you.”

He said it and I almost choked. Never in a million years would I thought I could have a base pay that high, or all the benefits and the support. This company is a world wide company and they have the backing. I was speechless as he went on and on about the things they were offering me, even to the extra week of vacation I asked for in the interview.

I told him I needed a night to really think it over but I already knew my answer and it broke my heart.

I started in this industry with this company. They have taught me everything I know, and although we are mid-size I have been happy here. There have been rough moments but overall I have handled the pressure and moved up. But the reality is…where will I be in another 5 years? Not doing this same thing I hope.

I talked it over with my parents, my closest friends, and my work BFF and they all said I would be INSANE not to take it.

So I am officially doing it. Not only will it provide me with more financial support than I ever though possible, but the ability to grow and move with the company is what really makes it worth wild to me. I will miss my small office here, and the people I have gotten to know.

And now I just have to get through the weekend so I can tell my boss on Monday morning. That is something I am NOT looking forward to. She has been a mentor, a teacher, a sister, a friend and a great boss. I hope she isn’t angry and that she is understanding given the position. But it will be very sad to have to leave on that day.