Dear Rob

Today is always a difficult day for me. This year is no exception. It’s the day after Valentines Day and being perpetually single the sting hurts a bit worse. Although considering last year at this time Valentine’s was so bittersweet. My relationship with my ex was coming to a close and as much as I tried to hold on to it, I was watching helplessly as it slipped through my fingers. I still got flowers and candy (for him to eat, not me since I don’t eat candy), but it was obvious that they were from the cheaper bouquets unlike the large and elaborate ones he had gotten me the first half of our relationship. We made crepes at home instead of going out to dinner. All of these were tell tale signs of the end. The upset feeling from all of that distracted me from today’s date.

At least I am not where I was last year, but it still stings.

The day after Valentine’s Day is February 15th.

To almost everyone else, it is just another day. The day the candy and hearts go on sell at Target. When they immediately start bringing out the Easter baskets and bunnies. It is pay day for some and to others its the downslope of the month.

Today is Robert’s birthday, and if he were alive he would have been 34 years old. This was also the day he passed away, after celebrating his 29th birthday with friends. Robert is my ex that passed away in a car accident and every year on this day, I do get a bit sad and think about our relationship, the good and the bad and all the things I wish I had done differently.

Realizing that it has now been 5 years since I have heard his voice on the phone; since he made me laugh and told me how beautiful I was. It’s been five years since I knew someone was REALLY in my corner not letting me have all those tiny insecurities that brought me down.

We use to email back and forth a lot after I moved back Tennessee and after he died I would send one periodically just to send one. My grief counselor said would help with my closure and it really did those first two years. I decided it was time to send another, however for the first time, the email bounced back. His email is no longer working. I went through my old sent box and the last time I sent one to him was a few months after I started dating my last ex, the first guy I really liked since his death. That was almost two years ago.

I decided to publish my letter here, as my blog is just another way to write out my feelings and send them out to the world, not expecting a response, just like my emails were to him.

 

Dear Rob,

Happy 34th birthday! The last 5 years have flown by since I have heard your voice or seen your sweet face. I know that you are in a far better place but please know that I still think of you often.

Every time I watch the news, or look at CNN, I think of you. You always pushed me to keep up to date  on current events and I wonder what you would make of everything that is going on in our country right now. Your insight was always so profound and insightful.

Things for me are just about the same as they have always been. While I am more successful in my career than two years ago, making a jump to a HUGE company, I am still single. Living by myself in a small apartment, wishing for companionship and a good friend. I travel a lot for work and when I am on the road I don’t seem to pay much attention to it. But I have been pretty sick the last month with a week long hospital stay and some scary health news that has really put into perspective how alone I really am.

When I am in town, I usually keep so busy going to the gym or pilates that I don’t think about it. But since I can’t work out right now, my evenings have been me asking for my friends to please come over, or hang out, or lets get dinner. I have exhausted the few friends in the city I have left and tonight I find myself sitting alone, thinking of you and wishing I could just give you a ring. Right now I really need some words of encouragement, a reminder that everything is going to be ok and I am strong.

But as I write this out, I know you are speaking to me, saying all of this, reassuring me.

I can still hear your voice in my head telling me it all.

Be proud of who I am and what I have done even if I don’t think I am much different than I was five years ago.

I miss you. I could list out all the reasons why and all the small things that made us “us” but it is heartbreaking for me. And I can’t do it to myself again.

Today I celebrate your wonderful life, and how you positively influenced mine and that you continue to do so even though you have been gone for so long now.

Love you x 3,

MR

 

 

 

 

Insomnia part 2

I needed last night. I needed to cry and I needed to remember and I needed to miss him. 

I finally fell asleep around 2 am. Woke up at seven, showered and drove up to go to church with my mom. You see, today was the first Sunday she decided to go back to church since my stepfather died three months ago. I needed to be there to hold her hand, convince her not to make a spectical of herself, cry, pray and listen. I’m glad I was there. She managed very well considering it ended up being communion Sunday and the three of us always did that as a family.

There is a gaping hole in our family with my stepfather being gone. He really was a good sweet guy who loved my mother with everything in him. 

After church I drove to Ripley to have lunch with my sister. She begins another school year and I get to see her less and less now. After our fun visit I drove to see my father and his wife for just a bit. All in all it was a wonder Sunday, given the tears.

I only told one friend of my breakdown last night. She listened and had wonderful advice. She said, “That was a good thing. Now you can grieve the loss and begin to move on, while before you were still too angry.”

But I’m still angry. 

I feel relieved to be five months in.

But sad and angry still. 

It’s a Sunday night and I’m normally sound asleep at this hour. I find myself dreading the morning and dreading the week. I’m no longer crying; not sad in the moment. I just can’t settle my mind enough to turn it off.