Dear Rob

Today is always a difficult day for me. This year is no exception. It’s the day after Valentines Day and being perpetually single the sting hurts a bit worse. Although considering last year at this time Valentine’s was so bittersweet. My relationship with my ex was coming to a close and as much as I tried to hold on to it, I was watching helplessly as it slipped through my fingers. I still got flowers and candy (for him to eat, not me since I don’t eat candy), but it was obvious that they were from the cheaper bouquets unlike the large and elaborate ones he had gotten me the first half of our relationship. We made crepes at home instead of going out to dinner. All of these were tell tale signs of the end. The upset feeling from all of that distracted me from today’s date.

At least I am not where I was last year, but it still stings.

The day after Valentine’s Day is February 15th.

To almost everyone else, it is just another day. The day the candy and hearts go on sell at Target. When they immediately start bringing out the Easter baskets and bunnies. It is pay day for some and to others its the downslope of the month.

Today is Robert’s birthday, and if he were alive he would have been 34 years old. This was also the day he passed away, after celebrating his 29th birthday with friends. Robert is my ex that passed away in a car accident and every year on this day, I do get a bit sad and think about our relationship, the good and the bad and all the things I wish I had done differently.

Realizing that it has now been 5 years since I have heard his voice on the phone; since he made me laugh and told me how beautiful I was. It’s been five years since I knew someone was REALLY in my corner not letting me have all those tiny insecurities that brought me down.

We use to email back and forth a lot after I moved back Tennessee and after he died I would send one periodically just to send one. My grief counselor said would help with my closure and it really did those first two years. I decided it was time to send another, however for the first time, the email bounced back. His email is no longer working. I went through my old sent box and the last time I sent one to him was a few months after I started dating my last ex, the first guy I really liked since his death. That was almost two years ago.

I decided to publish my letter here, as my blog is just another way to write out my feelings and send them out to the world, not expecting a response, just like my emails were to him.

 

Dear Rob,

Happy 34th birthday! The last 5 years have flown by since I have heard your voice or seen your sweet face. I know that you are in a far better place but please know that I still think of you often.

Every time I watch the news, or look at CNN, I think of you. You always pushed me to keep up to date  on current events and I wonder what you would make of everything that is going on in our country right now. Your insight was always so profound and insightful.

Things for me are just about the same as they have always been. While I am more successful in my career than two years ago, making a jump to a HUGE company, I am still single. Living by myself in a small apartment, wishing for companionship and a good friend. I travel a lot for work and when I am on the road I don’t seem to pay much attention to it. But I have been pretty sick the last month with a week long hospital stay and some scary health news that has really put into perspective how alone I really am.

When I am in town, I usually keep so busy going to the gym or pilates that I don’t think about it. But since I can’t work out right now, my evenings have been me asking for my friends to please come over, or hang out, or lets get dinner. I have exhausted the few friends in the city I have left and tonight I find myself sitting alone, thinking of you and wishing I could just give you a ring. Right now I really need some words of encouragement, a reminder that everything is going to be ok and I am strong.

But as I write this out, I know you are speaking to me, saying all of this, reassuring me.

I can still hear your voice in my head telling me it all.

Be proud of who I am and what I have done even if I don’t think I am much different than I was five years ago.

I miss you. I could list out all the reasons why and all the small things that made us “us” but it is heartbreaking for me. And I can’t do it to myself again.

Today I celebrate your wonderful life, and how you positively influenced mine and that you continue to do so even though you have been gone for so long now.

Love you x 3,

MR

 

 

 

 

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Reflection

2016 can kiss my ass.

I have never been so happy to see a year disappear into the past. Between the horrible break up, the death of my step father, the numerous “almost relationships” and everything else this year was by far one of the most challenging ones I have conquered.

The latter part of the year was much better, with a great job opportunity and a trip to NYC,  but i sometimes find myself sadly reflecting on the last year and wishing things were different.

When will I stop looking back and just move forward?

I have found myself in another “almost relationship” and for once this year, it wasn’t me who ended it. About a month ago i tried online dating again and it was disaster. After two weeks I once again closed down bumble, tinder and match and washed my hands of it. After all, my psychic did say I would meet someone in a normal fashion, not by means of consciousness. So three weeks ago when one of my best friends and old co workers informed me that a guy in Pricing asked about me, I was instantly flattered and excited. The guy lives in Springfield, Missouri and while we did meet briefly once last year the majority of our interactions over the last four years have been via phone and IM.

I always enjoyed speaking to him and I definitely had a bit of a crush while we talked. However, he frequently brought up his girlfriend and he is 6 years YOUNGER than me. I sometimes got the feeling he had a crush on me as well, just from how he spoke to me, but nothing ever came of it, until my friend brought it up to me and in a laughing manner.  A few days prior I had noticed he had creeped on my LinkedIn page and I used this as a prefect way to open up the conversation. Turns out he and his girlfriend of three years broke up over the summer and he was single.

He came right out with it “I always had a crush on you. If I came to Memphis would you go on a date with me?”

I immediately got excited. Here was a guy who I have known for almost four years, who is a nice guy, wanting to ask me out. This wasn’t someone who had only seen pictures of me. This was someone who I worked with closely (even if it wasn’t in person). The connection was already there. The one problem was Springfield is 4 and half hours away from Memphis.

He assured me the distant didn’t matter to him and we needed to go on a date. For a week straight it was texts all day, phone calls that lasted well into midnight and even face-timing for up to 5 hours. There was flirtatious and but sweetness and for the first time in a VERY long time my heart fluttered just a bit.

It is honestly very hard for me to like someone right off the bat. I definitely didn’t happen in my last relationship, I basically had to talk myself into that one, so going into this already feeling so connected and on the same page was new and exciting. I had a few clients I needed to meet with up in Arkansas which just so happened to be an hour and half away from where he lived. We decided he would drive down and take me to dinner.

I immediately got nervous. For one, i have let myself go through year physically. I am the heaviest I have been in the last 6 years and I knew most of the photos he had seen of me were when i was 20 pounds lighter. His age almost made me nervous, but I thought of several of my friends who have dated and or married men much younger than them so I convinced myself not to worry about that either.

He was equally as excited and nervous as me.

I meet him outside my hotel and he immediately ran up and gave me the biggest hug. We went to dinner and it felt so right. Our conversation, the meal, everything. He wouldn’t stop smiling and for once I thought this was really the perfect first date. We went back to the hotel and he kissed me and once again everything seemed so right. He did stay with me that night, but we didn’t have sex. I was pretty firm on it and he was very understanding.

He went on about how he was going to come to Memphis in the next few weeks.

The next day however I immediately noticed his texts to me dropped. I refused to read into it, so I didn’t text him either. That evening he did check up on me, but I could tell something was different. The next day, the same thing. He did start trying to flirt with me a bit toward that evening but it still wasn’t the same. We were going into Christmas weekend so I chalked it up to family time and the craziness of the holiday. By Christmas Day I became more concerned.

What happened? Things were going so well. He said so, and then he just disappeared.

By Wednesday I had had enough. I needed to know what was going on. If it was anyone else I would have let it go. If it had been a guy I met on bumble I would have just chalked it up to us not clicking. But we did… and we have been clicking for years. So what happened?

We finally spoke on the phone. He basically said he wasn’t ready to be in another long distant relationship.

But I know the truth. He just wasn’t that into me. He said that wasn’t true, but I know what its like when a guy really likes you. Distance wouldn’t have mattered.

He is only 6 months out of a 3 year long relationship. I told him he wasn’t ready period. I was the first person he asked out and he just realized he wasn’t ready. Even if I was in the same city, the same out come would have happened.

But I am so bummed. He makes me laugh so hard and he is so smart. There are so many things that I thought we clicked on. But he is about to go through his quarter life (he hates his job and he needs a change) let alone he isn’t over his last girlfriend. So I had to let him go.

He said he would check up on me. But the few times we have spoken this week was because I drank and texted him or sent him a funny snapchat. I hate that girl. The girl that purposely tries to get attention. She is desperate and lonely and knows how to get him to response.

But I miss talking to him. I already missed talking to him after I quit my old company but now its a real burn. And I don’t understand why he can’t want to talk to me still.

I am funny, beautiful, successful and one of the kindest people I know.

Why can’t I get pass this phase with anyone? Especially someone I actually like?

The one good thing that came out of this was that I know I am FINALLY over my ex because I have had real feelings for this guy. I even cried.

 

 

Peace

For the first time since I have been single again (break was at the end of February) I have STOPPED trying to date. I think I was using constant dating and dating apps as a way to cope with feeling unwanted, unattractive, and rejected. I hoped from one almost relationship to the next, picking them apart because I knew my heart wasn’t in it.

It has now been three weeks since I swore off dating. And I feel more at peace than ever before.

My nights a slightly more boring, but as I gear up for the 10k I am running in December, it is giving me more time to focus on myself.

Isn’t is strange how a relationship can suck everything out of you? The confidence you once had. Your ability to open up to new people and how to love yourself.

At this point in my life I long for a lasting relationship and marriage and *gasp* children.

BUT

I don’t know if it is truly worth it anymore. I am leaving it up God to push me in the right direction. If it is meant to be it will happen. No more going out and seeking so hard.

I am grateful for my last relationship. I learned so much. But I also put so much of my energy into it and I am not ready to do the same thing. Hopefully one day I will feel up to it again.

 

 

 

My Mom and I walked in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure over the weekend.

 

 

Crazy For A Tuesday

This day just began it is now over. Four client calls (which all went great), a fabulous lunch at YaYa’s, a visit to the Little Rock Chamber of Commerce, delivered cookies, a hilarious 2.5 hour drive back with my boss and then a visitation for a friends brother. 

My day was insane! 

Every time I visit little rock it pours on me. Today was the first day it didn’t but as we crossed the Mississippi River a rain cloud was dropping all its weight on the Bluff City.