Dear Rob

Today is always a difficult day for me. This year is no exception. It’s the day after Valentines Day and being perpetually single the sting hurts a bit worse. Although considering last year at this time Valentine’s was so bittersweet. My relationship with my ex was coming to a close and as much as I tried to hold on to it, I was watching helplessly as it slipped through my fingers. I still got flowers and candy (for him to eat, not me since I don’t eat candy), but it was obvious that they were from the cheaper bouquets unlike the large and elaborate ones he had gotten me the first half of our relationship. We made crepes at home instead of going out to dinner. All of these were tell tale signs of the end. The upset feeling from all of that distracted me from today’s date.

At least I am not where I was last year, but it still stings.

The day after Valentine’s Day is February 15th.

To almost everyone else, it is just another day. The day the candy and hearts go on sell at Target. When they immediately start bringing out the Easter baskets and bunnies. It is pay day for some and to others its the downslope of the month.

Today is Robert’s birthday, and if he were alive he would have been 34 years old. This was also the day he passed away, after celebrating his 29th birthday with friends. Robert is my ex that passed away in a car accident and every year on this day, I do get a bit sad and think about our relationship, the good and the bad and all the things I wish I had done differently.

Realizing that it has now been 5 years since I have heard his voice on the phone; since he made me laugh and told me how beautiful I was. It’s been five years since I knew someone was REALLY in my corner not letting me have all those tiny insecurities that brought me down.

We use to email back and forth a lot after I moved back Tennessee and after he died I would send one periodically just to send one. My grief counselor said would help with my closure and it really did those first two years. I decided it was time to send another, however for the first time, the email bounced back. His email is no longer working. I went through my old sent box and the last time I sent one to him was a few months after I started dating my last ex, the first guy I really liked since his death. That was almost two years ago.

I decided to publish my letter here, as my blog is just another way to write out my feelings and send them out to the world, not expecting a response, just like my emails were to him.

 

Dear Rob,

Happy 34th birthday! The last 5 years have flown by since I have heard your voice or seen your sweet face. I know that you are in a far better place but please know that I still think of you often.

Every time I watch the news, or look at CNN, I think of you. You always pushed me to keep up to date  on current events and I wonder what you would make of everything that is going on in our country right now. Your insight was always so profound and insightful.

Things for me are just about the same as they have always been. While I am more successful in my career than two years ago, making a jump to a HUGE company, I am still single. Living by myself in a small apartment, wishing for companionship and a good friend. I travel a lot for work and when I am on the road I don’t seem to pay much attention to it. But I have been pretty sick the last month with a week long hospital stay and some scary health news that has really put into perspective how alone I really am.

When I am in town, I usually keep so busy going to the gym or pilates that I don’t think about it. But since I can’t work out right now, my evenings have been me asking for my friends to please come over, or hang out, or lets get dinner. I have exhausted the few friends in the city I have left and tonight I find myself sitting alone, thinking of you and wishing I could just give you a ring. Right now I really need some words of encouragement, a reminder that everything is going to be ok and I am strong.

But as I write this out, I know you are speaking to me, saying all of this, reassuring me.

I can still hear your voice in my head telling me it all.

Be proud of who I am and what I have done even if I don’t think I am much different than I was five years ago.

I miss you. I could list out all the reasons why and all the small things that made us “us” but it is heartbreaking for me. And I can’t do it to myself again.

Today I celebrate your wonderful life, and how you positively influenced mine and that you continue to do so even though you have been gone for so long now.

Love you x 3,

MR

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Moving On

I have met a nice guy. He is smart, funny, tall, attractive and overall I am very comfortable with him. We have gone on about 6 dates over all and while I did not have immediate feelings for him, the more time I spend with him the more I like him.

I was actually ready to end it with him last week. There are a few things we don’t agree on so my excuse to ending our courtship would be easy. He is 28 years old and bit lost right now (as all 29 year olds his age seem to be). He asked if I would go to Texas Day Brazil this past Thursday and I agreed. I was adamant that this would be our last day.

Half way through dinner he said, “May I ask you a personal question?”

“Of course.”

“Are you happy?”

I was completely thrown off guard. I thought he was going to ask me something completely different. I answered immediately, “Of course I am happy.”

He responded, “I ask this because you sometimes seem sad about things, and it appears your family causes you a lot of stress.”

I thought about it. And while there are many things in my life that are very good at the moment; my job, living in Memphis, dating…. there are many things that make me sad.

I decided to open up. And I told him, everything. I told him about my ex that died, and the disappointment from my failed last relationship, and how I sad I am still about the loss of my stepfather in May that I have not began to grieve for. It was heavy material, but he responded so well. He opened up as well about some things that make him sad. About the life he has led where for a long time he was the parent to both of his parents and how this has skewed him and how he is trying to fix it.

I saw a different side of him and I liked it. I was sad when the night ended.

The next two days, I reflected on it. I began to realize what I was doing. I was pushing someone away who cared for me because deep down in my subconscious I am still waiting on my Ex to call and say he made a mistake. I can’t move on because I can’t let go.

Then, like a sign from God, on Saturday I was scrolling through facebook and one of my co-workers was at a charity event. My ex and his sister (who he has this unnatural relationship with) were in the background. His hair was cut back to the way he had it when we were dating and him in his same old clothes. I only saw his back, but it sent a shockwave through me.

For one, I realized immediately that he will never change. He will always be glued to his sister. I messaged my friend there and she saw him but didn’t realize he was in the photo. She said he was playing 5th wheel to the group (as usual). I tried to push it out of my mind and attempted to enjoy the rest of the evening with my friends.

On Sunday, me and the new guy went for breakfast and a walk around down by the River. Once again I found myself relaxed and enjoying his company even more. He has an ease in the way he has been so caring for me. Very subtle but I know he likes me, as he has told me on a few occasions.

After our walk, I decided to use the afternoon for more reflection. And then I did something really strange and I am slightly embarrassed to admit.

I contacted a physic.

YES. I realize that this is just so silly of me.

Here is the information I gave her: Mine and my ex’s birthday. The amount of time we dated and that we have been broken up for 7 months. And the question I asked was, “Am I foolish for waiting for him to change his mind?”

That was the only information I gave her.

I received a 3 minute video and her response was chilling.

“I hope you are doing well today. And I hope you don’t find this message negative. But from the cards, I see that your previous relationship had no backing. You cared way more than he ever did and deep down you know this. He always had one foot in, and one foot out. He is stuck in the past with someone, and for a bit he honestly thought he was going to get her back after he dumped you. But that did not work out. He will never feel remorse for dumping you because his heart was never fully in it. If he ever does, it will be long down the road, for the cards that I read show him being a lone for many years. Do not think that the breakup had anything to do with you. In fact, he only stayed as long as he did to please those around him. It is time to let him go and my advice is to completely move on. In fact, I see someone coming into your life in the next few months. Someone completely opposite than him. Someone with light hair, light eyes who will admittedly care for you in ways that Chad never could. It is time to let go so you can completely open up. Stop waiting for something that will never happen and move on.”

I was floored. She nailed it. And although everything she said I already knew, it was like the final straw in my wait for him. And I really realized it was NEVER going to happen.

She was right… there is a tall lighter hair man (which i normally do not date) with light eyes who has shown he cares. And it is time for me to stop living in the past and fully move on.

I am ready to leave the past where it is and try to look forward to what may come.

 

Everyone Grieves

My stepfather of 16 years passed away two months ago. He developed pneumonia after a successful stem cell transplant to save him from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. My mother has been inconsolable during this time and I have mostly bared the responsibility in caring for her while she has been grieving. This is a task I took on wholeheartedly knowing how that the love for my stepfather was so deep. I have just moved out but I have been coming back to check on her. I took her to the doctor and even signed her up for grief counseling that will begin in a few weeks.

I have struggled with keeping my patience with her, but I know that everyone grieves differently and this will take her a long time to get over.

Since BEFORE my stepfather passed, my mom has been talking about a friend of hers from high school that lives in North Carolina. His wife died a week after Don (my step father) from terminal brain cancer. She has spoken of this man many times, how they are talking about their grief and each other spouses. I was happy to hear she was talking to someone who has gone through it recently.

This morning, she asked if I would look up something on her phone for her. During this a message popped up from him. I realize I shouldn’t have looked, but I curious about this man she has been talking to. I opened up something I wasn’t really prepared for.

While some of their messages did speak of their now deceased partners the majority of it was discussing the sex they were wanting to have when they meet up. I was SHOCKED to this. The amount of grieving that my mother has been putting herself through, not getting out of the same chair all day, calling the same people everyday to talk about her loving dead husband, and the same stories over and over and again.

How could she already be working on another relationship?

I feel angry with her. Like she is manipulating me to feel sorry for her when really she is already moving on from the wonderful man that was my stepfather. It has only been two months and she is telling someone she hasn’t seen in over 40 years that she can’t wait to “satisfy” him.

I understand that this is a coping mechanism for her. But I can’t help but feel mad.

I have always know she was one of the women who “always needed men’s attention.” She was married to my real father for 19 years and met Don on the internet back in 1999 when she was still married. She kicked my dad out and moved Don in within a year. So she hasn’t been “single” in over 35 years, BUT STILL.

I did not tell her I saw the messages.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I do not dare tell my sister because she would use it against her.

I am reminding myself that my parents are only human beings, just like me, with wants and needs. But given her depressed behavior I cannot help but worry that she is going to get more hurt.

I guess I will pretend I didn’t see it and continue to go along. I don’t know what else to do.

Thoughts?

MR