For the first time since I have been single again (break was at the end of February) I have STOPPED trying to date. I think I was using constant dating and dating apps as a way to cope with feeling unwanted, unattractive, and rejected. I hoped from one almost relationship to the next, picking them apart because I knew my heart wasn’t in it.
It has now been three weeks since I swore off dating. And I feel more at peace than ever before.
My nights a slightly more boring, but as I gear up for the 10k I am running in December, it is giving me more time to focus on myself.
Isn’t is strange how a relationship can suck everything out of you? The confidence you once had. Your ability to open up to new people and how to love yourself.
At this point in my life I long for a lasting relationship and marriage and *gasp* children.
I don’t know if it is truly worth it anymore. I am leaving it up God to push me in the right direction. If it is meant to be it will happen. No more going out and seeking so hard.
I am grateful for my last relationship. I learned so much. But I also put so much of my energy into it and I am not ready to do the same thing. Hopefully one day I will feel up to it again.
My Mom and I walked in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure over the weekend.
If I could live my fantasy, it would be on the stage. The musical theatre stage.
To be exact.
But fear, parental consent, and so many other self inflicted stops halted my dream. From time to time I dive back in, performing in regional theatre. Last year I was 1/2 the narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. A dream come true even it was just regional theatre.
Me performing in Joseph last summer
Me and two of my costars last year during Joseph
Being silly back stage
Last year was the busiest I have ever been, yet the happiest. Me and my ex had just started officially dating. He came opening night brought the biggest boutique of flowers as a surprise. That was the night he met my sister. I was head over heels for him and it just added to all of the excitement. I was doing something I loved and then I found someone I loved.
This weekend the same theater opened their summer musical, Mary Poppins. My costar in Joseph was playing the lead so I promised her I would come to opening night. I contacted our other lead so me and him could go together as a reunion of sorts.
He and I got to catch up. He is graduating from college. Has so much hope for his future. And he asked about me and the ex. Like said, last summer I was so happy.
This summer I had no play, no budding romance.
Mary Poppins was excellent and my friend did an amazing job.
I feel like most of my life is running or hiding from dreams of mine. Being on a broadway and finding “the one”. I basically have put them in the same basket.
Both impossible to reach.