Peace

For the first time since I have been single again (break was at the end of February) I have STOPPED trying to date. I think I was using constant dating and dating apps as a way to cope with feeling unwanted, unattractive, and rejected. I hoped from one almost relationship to the next, picking them apart because I knew my heart wasn’t in it.

It has now been three weeks since I swore off dating. And I feel more at peace than ever before.

My nights a slightly more boring, but as I gear up for the 10k I am running in December, it is giving me more time to focus on myself.

Isn’t is strange how a relationship can suck everything out of you? The confidence you once had. Your ability to open up to new people and how to love yourself.

At this point in my life I long for a lasting relationship and marriage and *gasp* children.

BUT

I don’t know if it is truly worth it anymore. I am leaving it up God to push me in the right direction. If it is meant to be it will happen. No more going out and seeking so hard.

I am grateful for my last relationship. I learned so much. But I also put so much of my energy into it and I am not ready to do the same thing. Hopefully one day I will feel up to it again.

 

 

 

My Mom and I walked in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure over the weekend.

 

 

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Flatter Than My Hair On A July Night In Memphis

Although I was in Nashville.
But the humidity was just the same.

I had driven to Nashville right after work. Giddy and excited to see this man I had seen three days in a row that weekend before. I was excited and hoping that finally he would kiss me.

I was wrong.

Upon arriving he was dressed in just khakis, a red T-shirt and crocs.

Yes… Those CROCS.

I was pretty late and I had been stuck at a standstill on I-40 for over an hour. His casual dress could be explained. But still, when a girl drives 3 to 4 hours to come and see you, you may want to try a little harder.

“what do you want to eat?”

When a man asked me this question it means he doesn’t want to put forth the effort. This wasn’t my town. I didn’t know where we should eat.

I suggested Thai food but since it was so late we decided to just get takeout. A storm had rolled in and I got drenched on the trip from the car. I thought,”This is a perfect time for our first kiss.” We were both wet, hungry, and laughing at how we both ran to the door. I looked up at him and leaned in and then he veered to the kitchen.

Ummmmmm

My excitement deflated.

What had happened? Was it because my hair got wet and flat?  Was it because my ass jiggled too much on the run to the apartment? What happened from last weekend until this one?

He piled my plate full of food and we sat back and talked. Well, attempted to talk. He put the music on so loud that I could barely hear him. I requested that he turned it down because it was hard for me to concentrate. After dinner we got on the couch and still nothing. No touching. He spoke about how beautiful I looked. And once again I thought, “maybe now?”

Wrong again.

It had been three weeks, two trips to Nashville, and six days total. And still no kiss.

Instead he wanted me to hear every Grateful Dead song he could find on YouTube. By 10:30 I was bored to death and ready to sleep. I went to the guest bedroom and read blogs on WordPress until my eyes were too heavy.

This morning I woke up and he was in the same clothes. Even though I knew he had gotten up to go for his group run at 6 AM. He made a huge breakfast even with food I specifically told him I couldn’t eat: milk and wheat. He asked what I want to do for the day and I said, “This is your city , you pick.”

He decided we should go find a nice coffee place and talk.

Perfect.

This is exactly what we have been doing for over a month.

He tells me he had grabbed some great food to cook from the grocery store since it was a special occasion and that I was there. If I was so special why did I feel so… Not special? Like I was someone who was using him as an Airbnb instead of a potential love interest.

I said, “I wanted to be back in Memphis by six this evening, if that is OK.”

We ended up going for a walk across the pedestrian bridge. A couple asked if we wanted a photo of the two of us together and I politely said no. I don’t to take pictures with someone I’m not even seriously dating, is that wrong? He seemed concerned that I didn’t want to photo of us. I assured him it wasn’t him, just me not wanting a photo of myself.

We went for a drive around the city and he was telling  me all about it. Most of which I already knew. I was beginning to feel annoyed. I drove all this way to spend time with him, and he seemed more distant and opinionated than the last few weeks. I became annoyed with him. When he would talk about the “Batman Building” I said shortly, “yes, I know.” Because I did know. Was he not listening when I told him I used to come to Nashville twice a month for three years with my sister lived there during college?

At one in the afternoon it was his idea to head back to the apartment. I hadnt planned to leave until three but there was no reason for me to stick around at this rate. I went into the spare bedroom, I packed my things, and then he walked me to my car. He thanked me for coming and gave me a hug. He didn’t even tell me to let him know when I got back.

I guess he just wasn’t that into it. Or maybe he met someone else during the past few weeks.

I sent him text letting him know that I got home. He was glad he didn’t say anything else. Two hours later I sent another one saying I wasn’t sure what happened this weekend.

No response.
UPDATE: he said he was tired from the week and that’s why he was weird. I didn’t respond back.