Dear Rob

Today is always a difficult day for me. This year is no exception. It’s the day after Valentines Day and being perpetually single the sting hurts a bit worse. Although considering last year at this time Valentine’s was so bittersweet. My relationship with my ex was coming to a close and as much as I tried to hold on to it, I was watching helplessly as it slipped through my fingers. I still got flowers and candy (for him to eat, not me since I don’t eat candy), but it was obvious that they were from the cheaper bouquets unlike the large and elaborate ones he had gotten me the first half of our relationship. We made crepes at home instead of going out to dinner. All of these were tell tale signs of the end. The upset feeling from all of that distracted me from today’s date.

At least I am not where I was last year, but it still stings.

The day after Valentine’s Day is February 15th.

To almost everyone else, it is just another day. The day the candy and hearts go on sell at Target. When they immediately start bringing out the Easter baskets and bunnies. It is pay day for some and to others its the downslope of the month.

Today is Robert’s birthday, and if he were alive he would have been 34 years old. This was also the day he passed away, after celebrating his 29th birthday with friends. Robert is my ex that passed away in a car accident and every year on this day, I do get a bit sad and think about our relationship, the good and the bad and all the things I wish I had done differently.

Realizing that it has now been 5 years since I have heard his voice on the phone; since he made me laugh and told me how beautiful I was. It’s been five years since I knew someone was REALLY in my corner not letting me have all those tiny insecurities that brought me down.

We use to email back and forth a lot after I moved back Tennessee and after he died I would send one periodically just to send one. My grief counselor said would help with my closure and it really did those first two years. I decided it was time to send another, however for the first time, the email bounced back. His email is no longer working. I went through my old sent box and the last time I sent one to him was a few months after I started dating my last ex, the first guy I really liked since his death. That was almost two years ago.

I decided to publish my letter here, as my blog is just another way to write out my feelings and send them out to the world, not expecting a response, just like my emails were to him.

 

Dear Rob,

Happy 34th birthday! The last 5 years have flown by since I have heard your voice or seen your sweet face. I know that you are in a far better place but please know that I still think of you often.

Every time I watch the news, or look at CNN, I think of you. You always pushed me to keep up to date  on current events and I wonder what you would make of everything that is going on in our country right now. Your insight was always so profound and insightful.

Things for me are just about the same as they have always been. While I am more successful in my career than two years ago, making a jump to a HUGE company, I am still single. Living by myself in a small apartment, wishing for companionship and a good friend. I travel a lot for work and when I am on the road I don’t seem to pay much attention to it. But I have been pretty sick the last month with a week long hospital stay and some scary health news that has really put into perspective how alone I really am.

When I am in town, I usually keep so busy going to the gym or pilates that I don’t think about it. But since I can’t work out right now, my evenings have been me asking for my friends to please come over, or hang out, or lets get dinner. I have exhausted the few friends in the city I have left and tonight I find myself sitting alone, thinking of you and wishing I could just give you a ring. Right now I really need some words of encouragement, a reminder that everything is going to be ok and I am strong.

But as I write this out, I know you are speaking to me, saying all of this, reassuring me.

I can still hear your voice in my head telling me it all.

Be proud of who I am and what I have done even if I don’t think I am much different than I was five years ago.

I miss you. I could list out all the reasons why and all the small things that made us “us” but it is heartbreaking for me. And I can’t do it to myself again.

Today I celebrate your wonderful life, and how you positively influenced mine and that you continue to do so even though you have been gone for so long now.

Love you x 3,

MR

 

 

 

 

Moving On

I have met a nice guy. He is smart, funny, tall, attractive and overall I am very comfortable with him. We have gone on about 6 dates over all and while I did not have immediate feelings for him, the more time I spend with him the more I like him.

I was actually ready to end it with him last week. There are a few things we don’t agree on so my excuse to ending our courtship would be easy. He is 28 years old and bit lost right now (as all 29 year olds his age seem to be). He asked if I would go to Texas Day Brazil this past Thursday and I agreed. I was adamant that this would be our last day.

Half way through dinner he said, “May I ask you a personal question?”

“Of course.”

“Are you happy?”

I was completely thrown off guard. I thought he was going to ask me something completely different. I answered immediately, “Of course I am happy.”

He responded, “I ask this because you sometimes seem sad about things, and it appears your family causes you a lot of stress.”

I thought about it. And while there are many things in my life that are very good at the moment; my job, living in Memphis, dating…. there are many things that make me sad.

I decided to open up. And I told him, everything. I told him about my ex that died, and the disappointment from my failed last relationship, and how I sad I am still about the loss of my stepfather in May that I have not began to grieve for. It was heavy material, but he responded so well. He opened up as well about some things that make him sad. About the life he has led where for a long time he was the parent to both of his parents and how this has skewed him and how he is trying to fix it.

I saw a different side of him and I liked it. I was sad when the night ended.

The next two days, I reflected on it. I began to realize what I was doing. I was pushing someone away who cared for me because deep down in my subconscious I am still waiting on my Ex to call and say he made a mistake. I can’t move on because I can’t let go.

Then, like a sign from God, on Saturday I was scrolling through facebook and one of my co-workers was at a charity event. My ex and his sister (who he has this unnatural relationship with) were in the background. His hair was cut back to the way he had it when we were dating and him in his same old clothes. I only saw his back, but it sent a shockwave through me.

For one, I realized immediately that he will never change. He will always be glued to his sister. I messaged my friend there and she saw him but didn’t realize he was in the photo. She said he was playing 5th wheel to the group (as usual). I tried to push it out of my mind and attempted to enjoy the rest of the evening with my friends.

On Sunday, me and the new guy went for breakfast and a walk around down by the River. Once again I found myself relaxed and enjoying his company even more. He has an ease in the way he has been so caring for me. Very subtle but I know he likes me, as he has told me on a few occasions.

After our walk, I decided to use the afternoon for more reflection. And then I did something really strange and I am slightly embarrassed to admit.

I contacted a physic.

YES. I realize that this is just so silly of me.

Here is the information I gave her: Mine and my ex’s birthday. The amount of time we dated and that we have been broken up for 7 months. And the question I asked was, “Am I foolish for waiting for him to change his mind?”

That was the only information I gave her.

I received a 3 minute video and her response was chilling.

“I hope you are doing well today. And I hope you don’t find this message negative. But from the cards, I see that your previous relationship had no backing. You cared way more than he ever did and deep down you know this. He always had one foot in, and one foot out. He is stuck in the past with someone, and for a bit he honestly thought he was going to get her back after he dumped you. But that did not work out. He will never feel remorse for dumping you because his heart was never fully in it. If he ever does, it will be long down the road, for the cards that I read show him being a lone for many years. Do not think that the breakup had anything to do with you. In fact, he only stayed as long as he did to please those around him. It is time to let him go and my advice is to completely move on. In fact, I see someone coming into your life in the next few months. Someone completely opposite than him. Someone with light hair, light eyes who will admittedly care for you in ways that Chad never could. It is time to let go so you can completely open up. Stop waiting for something that will never happen and move on.”

I was floored. She nailed it. And although everything she said I already knew, it was like the final straw in my wait for him. And I really realized it was NEVER going to happen.

She was right… there is a tall lighter hair man (which i normally do not date) with light eyes who has shown he cares. And it is time for me to stop living in the past and fully move on.

I am ready to leave the past where it is and try to look forward to what may come.

 

Labor Day Weekend

 

Labor Day Weekend was a dream. I woke up early on Saturday morning and rushed up to where my sister and her kids live. She is divorced so I rarely get to see her kids during the week. My dad was over building a new swing set for them:

Under the Wisteria at my Mother’s House

Little Don (2), Me, and Eli (5). These sweet little ones made my day.

Little Don loves his new swing set!!

Eli and his crazy grandmother (my mom)

Action Shot! Eli decided to go down the slide backwards…

On Monday, me and my friend Liz decided to hit up the new Shelby Farms. They have three mile track I like to walk. The weather was perfect. Overcast even though it was still about 90 degrees!

Overall it was such a perfect weekend. I love to take photos so I am hoping to start doing a weekly blog of just the photos I take during the week. I am NO professional, but I enjoy the pictures.

 

 

Change is Good

I have debated if I should blog about this until it has officially happened. But I have held it in TOO long.

I am officially leaving my job of 5 years to go to another place. I start next Friday. I have NOT given my notice because my boss (who I am close to personally) has been on vacation the last week and I really want to do it in person out of respect for her and I didn’t want to ruin her vacation. I am in a sales position, so the second I give them my notice they will make me leave.

It all started about three months ago. My place of employment requires the sales people to be very active on LinkedIn. I post updates about the industry and write posts. This has led to me getting countless requests from recruiters and competitors. I have repeatedly turned them down for a very long time. I have been happy with my job and I have done well.

But two months ago I received a connection request from a very large company. I didn’t think much about it, because I get those pretty often too. I accept and within an hour he had sent me a message about a job that they had open. I was immediately interested because it is the DREAM to work for this company. But my loyalty and happiness here made me say no. Weekly he checked in with me, still asking if we could talk on the phone so that he could really tell me about this job opportunity. I had one bad week, and decided to give him a call.

I told him I was happy where I was and that there was nothing they could offer me to make me want to leave where I am. He asked me to just send him my resume, and look at the job online. If I felt compelled to interview he would be the one doing it along with two other executives. I talked it over with my work BFF and she said what was the harm. Our company has been suffering the last three years and who knows where we will be in the next 5. So I wrote up a new resume fast (didn’t even proof read it), checked out the online job and applied. I received word the next day when my interview would be.

Going over to their office was pretty amazing. The size and just the feeling of walking in gave me goosebumps, but I wasn’t nervous. If there is one thing I can sell, it is myself. I walked into the room and was drilled by the executives for over an hour. And I nailed it. Upon walking out, my main contact said “You didn’t even seem nervous.” and I said, “I wasn’t. I have nothing to lose because I am not trying to leave.”

A week went by and I didn’t hear anything. I thought to myself that I had done the right thing by taking a chance, but I knew it wouldn’t amount to anything.

But then my contact called me. He said out of 50 people that they received applications for, they narrowed it down to 25, then to 10, then they interviewed 5 candidates. And I was their unanimous pick for number one.

Talk about an ego boast.

I thanked him and before I could finish my sentence he said, “Let me tell you what we want to offer you.”

He said it and I almost choked. Never in a million years would I thought I could have a base pay that high, or all the benefits and the support. This company is a world wide company and they have the backing. I was speechless as he went on and on about the things they were offering me, even to the extra week of vacation I asked for in the interview.

I told him I needed a night to really think it over but I already knew my answer and it broke my heart.

I started in this industry with this company. They have taught me everything I know, and although we are mid-size I have been happy here. There have been rough moments but overall I have handled the pressure and moved up. But the reality is…where will I be in another 5 years? Not doing this same thing I hope.

I talked it over with my parents, my closest friends, and my work BFF and they all said I would be INSANE not to take it.

So I am officially doing it. Not only will it provide me with more financial support than I ever though possible, but the ability to grow and move with the company is what really makes it worth wild to me. I will miss my small office here, and the people I have gotten to know.

And now I just have to get through the weekend so I can tell my boss on Monday morning. That is something I am NOT looking forward to. She has been a mentor, a teacher, a sister, a friend and a great boss. I hope she isn’t angry and that she is understanding given the position. But it will be very sad to have to leave on that day.

 

 

 

The Wedding Date From Hell

I recently read a blog post by Single In The Suburbs 01 where she discussed that she did not take a wedding date to the last one she had attended. She had had more fun that way than had she taken a date.

I commented to her that I learned this lesson many years ago. The last wedding I attended, although I was a bridesmaid, I didn’t rush around trying to find a date. I went stag and had the best time!

Here is the reason I will ONLY take either a very good friend or a boyfriend as a wedding date:

*****

To give you some back ground on this story, I have to bring up the death of my ex, Robert. I can’t remember if I have gone into what happened to him, but to make a very long story short, he and I dated for about 10 months when I left Texas and moved back to Tennessee. The distance was too hard for him, so we split, not because we didn’t love each other, but he just couldn’t deal with it. We remained close for the next year until he was killed in a car accident. It devastated me. Although we weren’t “together” when he passed, his death truly signified all of my childhood and early adulting were over. Reality set in, people die and we should live life to our fullest.

I didn’t date for a good two years after, just trying to work through my grief and anger over what happened. When I decided to “get back out there”, I was introduced to Joe. He was tall, graduated law school, was a personal trainer and was acquaintances with several of my friends. But since this was my first foray back into dating I was cautious. First off, I had decided NOT to talk about Robert’s death until it was the right time and when I was close to someone. That was TOO much baggage right off the bat.

Joe and I hit it off…at first. But as each date progressed, I began to realize he was lying about several things. What he did for a living. Him not passing The Bar.

And the kicker was his forcefulness when it came to being physical. I never let it get past kissing because he gave me bruises just from that. He was a BIG guy… about 6’5 and 240.

I distanced myself from him for a few weeks while I tried to work out what I wanted to do about him. But then my ex-best friend from college was getting married. It was weird enough that I wasn’t going to be in her wedding (because I completely disagreed with her choice of husband). I had alienated myself from most of my college sorority sisters (who were in the wedding) after Robert died because they basically told me I shouldn’t have been upset by it. And I realized they weren’t good friends.

So going stag to this wedding was NOT an option. My ex friend even asked if I was coming to her wedding that day…so I texted Joe and asked if he would be my date. He was up for it, and came dressed in seersucker  (Oh the south…) and listened when I gave him a backstory to why this wedding would be kind of awkward.

My anxiety was for nothing. Once I was there and saw all the people I had been avoiding for months, I felt relaxed and happy to see them. I told Joe this… that I was obviously overreacting and letting my social anxiety take hold. He kept pushing us to go to other sides of the reception because he wanted to make out and when I refused he got mad. Therefore I drank more wine….

We sat down with some people I went to college with and the lies that sprouted out of his mouth to impress these people were ridiculously. It was like he completely forgot what he had been telling me the past two months. He was working with these people and doing this and that and he owned this…blah blah blah. I get it he was trying to seem like this great catch but he came out looking like a snake.

I drank MORE wine.

The night was getting closer to being over when one of my sorority sisters who happen to be from Mexico (which is where Robert was from), came up to me. She had talked on the phone with Robert a few times since they both spoke Spanish. Joe was standing nearby.

“I haven’t really gotten a chance to see how you are after….. Robert.” She said nothing sure how to bring it up. She was sincere and concerned with her question.

I responded, “I’m not much better. It has been about two years now, so thankfully things are much better and I am obviously dating again.”

That was BASICALLY IT. I didn’t feel like getting in with her about all the therapy I had to go through, or how I completely changed my group of friends after, and that I was having issues being in that very place with all those people. I noticed after, Joe became stiffer.

He immediately began to ask if we could leave. I was dancing and having a good time with my old friends. I wasn’t ready to leave. He started pushing me even more, and I got right up in his face and said “Dude… I will leave when I am ready.”

I was ready to LEAVE him there but then the party was officially over. We had walked from my house to the wedding, so we began the trek back. He continued to try to stop and kiss me the whole way back, but between the alcohol and his behavior I knew that I needed to end his advances and get home. And then end whatever it was that he and I were doing.

He walks me to my door and I politely thank him for escorting me. I wasn’t ready to deal with ending it with him yet, especially with a bottle of wine in my stomach. My roommate and one of her friends were in the living room. I walked in and past by them when I heard my roommate say “Um…. Hi Joe.”

He had followed me into the house. I spun around quickly surprised that he was in the living room.

“We need to talk.” He said as he began to push me towards my bedroom.

“I don’t feel like talking right now. Let’s talk tomorrow when I am not drunk.”

He insisted but I refused to go in my bedroom. I had a honest fear he would overtake me. So I ran around him and out the front door. My roommate and her friend were frozen.

Joe followed me out and began yelling at me. Saying I only took him to this wedding to be a trophy. I followed up to say that I took him because I thought he would be a good date, but instead he lied to my friends and constantly tried to get my attention back on him like some jealous teenager. We argued this fight for a bit but then the real reason for his anger came out.

“It’s obvious that you aren’t over your ex. Your friend even spoke about him IN FRONT OF ME! Robert, is it?! If you are still so in love with him, you should have taken him.”

This sobered me up instantly.

“He has nothing to do with this. And you shouldn’t talk about things that you don’t know about.”

He kept pushing “You aren’t the first girl to pull this shit on me. Was he there? Were you trying to make him jealous?!”

I thought I was going to slap him at this point. “No he wasn’t there. He died two years ago.”

I really thought this would stop the fight. I could tell from his reaction that was the LAST thing he was expecting. And I understood from the conversation with my friend that he definitely didn’t pick up on it, but either way…. he was handling this all wrong.

I tried to be nice, “I am sorry I didn’t tell you about him sooner, but I don’t like talk about it. It makes me sad, and I wasn’t ready to tell you about him.”

“Fine, your ex is dead. Let me tell you something honey. You need to get over him and  move on. It has been two years and he is BURIED AND DECOMPOSED!

I reached back and slapped him across the face, tears bursting from my eyes the second I made contact. I will never forget how those words tore into me. I cussed him out, kicked him and told him if I ever saw him again I would beat the shit out of him. I also told him that no matter how many more years he had left on this earth he would never amount to a pinky worth of the good that was my ex.

I stomped inside and cried to my roommates who were ready to call the cops on him. I cried myself to sleep that night, trying to once again get over loosing my dear friend and that I had pushed something that was not going to work.

I woke up the next day to phone calls and texts from my old college friends. Apparently after the fight with me, Joe headed up to a bar where the wedding party and their dates were. We had been invited but he never told me. He went up there, his face still red from where I slapped him and NEVER TOLD THEM WE WERE IN A FIGHT. He sat there and lied some more, telling them I didn’t feel well but that he should still go meet up with them. He went on to get into an argument with two of my friends until they asked him to leave.

I was mortified. But I learned a very valuable lesson.

NEVER take someone you aren’t in a committed relationship to a wedding. I know that this was worst case, but I have not done it since.

I blocked his number and have never spoken to him again. I have seen him out in public a few times, and he basically hides his face from me.

 

 

 

Insomnia part 2

I needed last night. I needed to cry and I needed to remember and I needed to miss him. 

I finally fell asleep around 2 am. Woke up at seven, showered and drove up to go to church with my mom. You see, today was the first Sunday she decided to go back to church since my stepfather died three months ago. I needed to be there to hold her hand, convince her not to make a spectical of herself, cry, pray and listen. I’m glad I was there. She managed very well considering it ended up being communion Sunday and the three of us always did that as a family.

There is a gaping hole in our family with my stepfather being gone. He really was a good sweet guy who loved my mother with everything in him. 

After church I drove to Ripley to have lunch with my sister. She begins another school year and I get to see her less and less now. After our fun visit I drove to see my father and his wife for just a bit. All in all it was a wonder Sunday, given the tears.

I only told one friend of my breakdown last night. She listened and had wonderful advice. She said, “That was a good thing. Now you can grieve the loss and begin to move on, while before you were still too angry.”

But I’m still angry. 

I feel relieved to be five months in.

But sad and angry still. 

It’s a Sunday night and I’m normally sound asleep at this hour. I find myself dreading the morning and dreading the week. I’m no longer crying; not sad in the moment. I just can’t settle my mind enough to turn it off. 

Insomnia 

Insomnia rarely plagues me. I typically fall asleep so soundly. Even the last few months and especially since moving to my own place. 

But my mind is all over the place now. I “gave up” online dating again only to be succumbed by boredom that I jumped back in. I immediately meet three men who spark my interest. I met all three. One he lost interest when he realized I wasn’t a partier. The other two both interested in me but I felt nothing at all.

And that’s the main point.

I meet my friend Monica out this even and everywhere I looked were couples. This normally never bothers me. But I suddenly missed my ex. Deeply.

I even left early to head home because I felt tears coming. And why? It’s been over five months. It’s over. It’s done. 

Why am I still this sad? I don’t remember being sad this long after the others. I don’t remember feeling so rejected and confused even months after knowing it was the right thing. 

And yet I miss him.

I miss how special he made me feel. I miss his stupid clothes and his picky eating habits. I miss the dumb tv shows and how we had to watch them. I miss arguing over where we should eat dinner and which Chinese restaurant was the best. I miss how he made me laugh and how he use to look at me. I misshapen overly thoughtful he was about things I never thought of.  I miss it all. I wish I could turn back and go to a year ago because at this time last year I was so happy. 

I miss him. 

I know trying to date the last five months has been a complete waste of time. I am not over this relationship and I don’t know how to get over it. 

There has been so much I wanted to tell him. Like how my stepfather passed away in May and I still havent grieved. Or that my sister finally started therapy after begging her for the entire time I was dating him. Or how the two crazy women at work finally got fired so there’s no reason for me to complain anymore.

But I can’t. 

I’m gone to him. I’m in the past. One of his friends told me once he dumped her she is gone from him mind. He never mentions her again.

 I Wish I could put him behind me. And completely forget him. I need to put him away but tonight I am lying here, crying, unable to sleep.