For the first time since I have been single again (break was at the end of February) I have STOPPED trying to date. I think I was using constant dating and dating apps as a way to cope with feeling unwanted, unattractive, and rejected. I hoped from one almost relationship to the next, picking them apart because I knew my heart wasn’t in it.
It has now been three weeks since I swore off dating. And I feel more at peace than ever before.
My nights a slightly more boring, but as I gear up for the 10k I am running in December, it is giving me more time to focus on myself.
Isn’t is strange how a relationship can suck everything out of you? The confidence you once had. Your ability to open up to new people and how to love yourself.
At this point in my life I long for a lasting relationship and marriage and *gasp* children.
I don’t know if it is truly worth it anymore. I am leaving it up God to push me in the right direction. If it is meant to be it will happen. No more going out and seeking so hard.
I am grateful for my last relationship. I learned so much. But I also put so much of my energy into it and I am not ready to do the same thing. Hopefully one day I will feel up to it again.
My Mom and I walked in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure over the weekend.
I find myself always “counting down” to some event.
12 days until the Ole Miss football game
16 days until Port Night
18 days until my friend’s wedding
35 days until I fly to NYC
36 days until I see Hamilton
And for years my favorite countdown: the days and weekends until Christmas.
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love to decorate for it and people would even pay me to do it for them. And once I even won a national contest when I worked for a department store.
But for the first time, I am not excited about Christmas. I usually get excited for Halloween as well, but I didn’t decorate nor do I plan on dressing up this year. My family; we haven’t really had a real one in four years. Three years ago I was in a horrible car accident a week before Christmas.
Two years ago my sister’s marriage was falling apart in the most dramatic way so our holidays were ruined. Last year my stepfather had a stem cell transplant at the beginning of December so my mother chose not to have the house decorated. I was living with my boyfriend and he refused to let me put up a tree. I did decorate my desk at work and won a prize, but overall it never felt like a real holiday. I only spent about two hours with my own family because I was expected to be at all these other functions for my ex’s family. He wouldn’t even come up with me to my little two hour watching my nephews open their presents event.
And here we are. The end of October, November coming close and I haven’t even counted down the days to my favorite holiday. Between my mother’s grief over loosing my stepdad and her already moving on, I just don’t feel like it will be much of a holiday. My sister does her own thing, and while I can count on my dad to try and do something, my stepmom usually ruins it in some way.
I hope once the season actually gets going maybe I will feel different. And maybe if I just go ahead and decorate it will help me.
They say that holidays are the most depressing time of year.
Christmas decorate from 2014