I recently read a blog post by Single In The Suburbs 01 where she discussed that she did not take a wedding date to the last one she had attended. She had had more fun that way than had she taken a date.
I commented to her that I learned this lesson many years ago. The last wedding I attended, although I was a bridesmaid, I didn’t rush around trying to find a date. I went stag and had the best time!
Here is the reason I will ONLY take either a very good friend or a boyfriend as a wedding date:
To give you some back ground on this story, I have to bring up the death of my ex, Robert. I can’t remember if I have gone into what happened to him, but to make a very long story short, he and I dated for about 10 months when I left Texas and moved back to Tennessee. The distance was too hard for him, so we split, not because we didn’t love each other, but he just couldn’t deal with it. We remained close for the next year until he was killed in a car accident. It devastated me. Although we weren’t “together” when he passed, his death truly signified all of my childhood and early adulting were over. Reality set in, people die and we should live life to our fullest.
I didn’t date for a good two years after, just trying to work through my grief and anger over what happened. When I decided to “get back out there”, I was introduced to Joe. He was tall, graduated law school, was a personal trainer and was acquaintances with several of my friends. But since this was my first foray back into dating I was cautious. First off, I had decided NOT to talk about Robert’s death until it was the right time and when I was close to someone. That was TOO much baggage right off the bat.
Joe and I hit it off…at first. But as each date progressed, I began to realize he was lying about several things. What he did for a living. Him not passing The Bar.
And the kicker was his forcefulness when it came to being physical. I never let it get past kissing because he gave me bruises just from that. He was a BIG guy… about 6’5 and 240.
I distanced myself from him for a few weeks while I tried to work out what I wanted to do about him. But then my ex-best friend from college was getting married. It was weird enough that I wasn’t going to be in her wedding (because I completely disagreed with her choice of husband). I had alienated myself from most of my college sorority sisters (who were in the wedding) after Robert died because they basically told me I shouldn’t have been upset by it. And I realized they weren’t good friends.
So going stag to this wedding was NOT an option. My ex friend even asked if I was coming to her wedding that day…so I texted Joe and asked if he would be my date. He was up for it, and came dressed in seersucker (Oh the south…) and listened when I gave him a backstory to why this wedding would be kind of awkward.
My anxiety was for nothing. Once I was there and saw all the people I had been avoiding for months, I felt relaxed and happy to see them. I told Joe this… that I was obviously overreacting and letting my social anxiety take hold. He kept pushing us to go to other sides of the reception because he wanted to make out and when I refused he got mad. Therefore I drank more wine….
We sat down with some people I went to college with and the lies that sprouted out of his mouth to impress these people were ridiculously. It was like he completely forgot what he had been telling me the past two months. He was working with these people and doing this and that and he owned this…blah blah blah. I get it he was trying to seem like this great catch but he came out looking like a snake.
I drank MORE wine.
The night was getting closer to being over when one of my sorority sisters who happen to be from Mexico (which is where Robert was from), came up to me. She had talked on the phone with Robert a few times since they both spoke Spanish. Joe was standing nearby.
“I haven’t really gotten a chance to see how you are after….. Robert.” She said nothing sure how to bring it up. She was sincere and concerned with her question.
I responded, “I’m not much better. It has been about two years now, so thankfully things are much better and I am obviously dating again.”
That was BASICALLY IT. I didn’t feel like getting in with her about all the therapy I had to go through, or how I completely changed my group of friends after, and that I was having issues being in that very place with all those people. I noticed after, Joe became stiffer.
He immediately began to ask if we could leave. I was dancing and having a good time with my old friends. I wasn’t ready to leave. He started pushing me even more, and I got right up in his face and said “Dude… I will leave when I am ready.”
I was ready to LEAVE him there but then the party was officially over. We had walked from my house to the wedding, so we began the trek back. He continued to try to stop and kiss me the whole way back, but between the alcohol and his behavior I knew that I needed to end his advances and get home. And then end whatever it was that he and I were doing.
He walks me to my door and I politely thank him for escorting me. I wasn’t ready to deal with ending it with him yet, especially with a bottle of wine in my stomach. My roommate and one of her friends were in the living room. I walked in and past by them when I heard my roommate say “Um…. Hi Joe.”
He had followed me into the house. I spun around quickly surprised that he was in the living room.
“We need to talk.” He said as he began to push me towards my bedroom.
“I don’t feel like talking right now. Let’s talk tomorrow when I am not drunk.”
He insisted but I refused to go in my bedroom. I had a honest fear he would overtake me. So I ran around him and out the front door. My roommate and her friend were frozen.
Joe followed me out and began yelling at me. Saying I only took him to this wedding to be a trophy. I followed up to say that I took him because I thought he would be a good date, but instead he lied to my friends and constantly tried to get my attention back on him like some jealous teenager. We argued this fight for a bit but then the real reason for his anger came out.
“It’s obvious that you aren’t over your ex. Your friend even spoke about him IN FRONT OF ME! Robert, is it?! If you are still so in love with him, you should have taken him.”
This sobered me up instantly.
“He has nothing to do with this. And you shouldn’t talk about things that you don’t know about.”
He kept pushing “You aren’t the first girl to pull this shit on me. Was he there? Were you trying to make him jealous?!”
I thought I was going to slap him at this point. “No he wasn’t there. He died two years ago.”
I really thought this would stop the fight. I could tell from his reaction that was the LAST thing he was expecting. And I understood from the conversation with my friend that he definitely didn’t pick up on it, but either way…. he was handling this all wrong.
I tried to be nice, “I am sorry I didn’t tell you about him sooner, but I don’t like talk about it. It makes me sad, and I wasn’t ready to tell you about him.”
“Fine, your ex is dead. Let me tell you something honey. You need to get over him and move on. It has been two years and he is BURIED AND DECOMPOSED!”
I reached back and slapped him across the face, tears bursting from my eyes the second I made contact. I will never forget how those words tore into me. I cussed him out, kicked him and told him if I ever saw him again I would beat the shit out of him. I also told him that no matter how many more years he had left on this earth he would never amount to a pinky worth of the good that was my ex.
I stomped inside and cried to my roommates who were ready to call the cops on him. I cried myself to sleep that night, trying to once again get over loosing my dear friend and that I had pushed something that was not going to work.
I woke up the next day to phone calls and texts from my old college friends. Apparently after the fight with me, Joe headed up to a bar where the wedding party and their dates were. We had been invited but he never told me. He went up there, his face still red from where I slapped him and NEVER TOLD THEM WE WERE IN A FIGHT. He sat there and lied some more, telling them I didn’t feel well but that he should still go meet up with them. He went on to get into an argument with two of my friends until they asked him to leave.
I was mortified. But I learned a very valuable lesson.
NEVER take someone you aren’t in a committed relationship to a wedding. I know that this was worst case, but I have not done it since.
I blocked his number and have never spoken to him again. I have seen him out in public a few times, and he basically hides his face from me.