Reflection

2016 can kiss my ass.

I have never been so happy to see a year disappear into the past. Between the horrible break up, the death of my step father, the numerous “almost relationships” and everything else this year was by far one of the most challenging ones I have conquered.

The latter part of the year was much better, with a great job opportunity and a trip to NYC,  but i sometimes find myself sadly reflecting on the last year and wishing things were different.

When will I stop looking back and just move forward?

I have found myself in another “almost relationship” and for once this year, it wasn’t me who ended it. About a month ago i tried online dating again and it was disaster. After two weeks I once again closed down bumble, tinder and match and washed my hands of it. After all, my psychic did say I would meet someone in a normal fashion, not by means of consciousness. So three weeks ago when one of my best friends and old co workers informed me that a guy in Pricing asked about me, I was instantly flattered and excited. The guy lives in Springfield, Missouri and while we did meet briefly once last year the majority of our interactions over the last four years have been via phone and IM.

I always enjoyed speaking to him and I definitely had a bit of a crush while we talked. However, he frequently brought up his girlfriend and he is 6 years YOUNGER than me. I sometimes got the feeling he had a crush on me as well, just from how he spoke to me, but nothing ever came of it, until my friend brought it up to me and in a laughing manner.  A few days prior I had noticed he had creeped on my LinkedIn page and I used this as a prefect way to open up the conversation. Turns out he and his girlfriend of three years broke up over the summer and he was single.

He came right out with it “I always had a crush on you. If I came to Memphis would you go on a date with me?”

I immediately got excited. Here was a guy who I have known for almost four years, who is a nice guy, wanting to ask me out. This wasn’t someone who had only seen pictures of me. This was someone who I worked with closely (even if it wasn’t in person). The connection was already there. The one problem was Springfield is 4 and half hours away from Memphis.

He assured me the distant didn’t matter to him and we needed to go on a date. For a week straight it was texts all day, phone calls that lasted well into midnight and even face-timing for up to 5 hours. There was flirtatious and but sweetness and for the first time in a VERY long time my heart fluttered just a bit.

It is honestly very hard for me to like someone right off the bat. I definitely didn’t happen in my last relationship, I basically had to talk myself into that one, so going into this already feeling so connected and on the same page was new and exciting. I had a few clients I needed to meet with up in Arkansas which just so happened to be an hour and half away from where he lived. We decided he would drive down and take me to dinner.

I immediately got nervous. For one, i have let myself go through year physically. I am the heaviest I have been in the last 6 years and I knew most of the photos he had seen of me were when i was 20 pounds lighter. His age almost made me nervous, but I thought of several of my friends who have dated and or married men much younger than them so I convinced myself not to worry about that either.

He was equally as excited and nervous as me.

I meet him outside my hotel and he immediately ran up and gave me the biggest hug. We went to dinner and it felt so right. Our conversation, the meal, everything. He wouldn’t stop smiling and for once I thought this was really the perfect first date. We went back to the hotel and he kissed me and once again everything seemed so right. He did stay with me that night, but we didn’t have sex. I was pretty firm on it and he was very understanding.

He went on about how he was going to come to Memphis in the next few weeks.

The next day however I immediately noticed his texts to me dropped. I refused to read into it, so I didn’t text him either. That evening he did check up on me, but I could tell something was different. The next day, the same thing. He did start trying to flirt with me a bit toward that evening but it still wasn’t the same. We were going into Christmas weekend so I chalked it up to family time and the craziness of the holiday. By Christmas Day I became more concerned.

What happened? Things were going so well. He said so, and then he just disappeared.

By Wednesday I had had enough. I needed to know what was going on. If it was anyone else I would have let it go. If it had been a guy I met on bumble I would have just chalked it up to us not clicking. But we did… and we have been clicking for years. So what happened?

We finally spoke on the phone. He basically said he wasn’t ready to be in another long distant relationship.

But I know the truth. He just wasn’t that into me. He said that wasn’t true, but I know what its like when a guy really likes you. Distance wouldn’t have mattered.

He is only 6 months out of a 3 year long relationship. I told him he wasn’t ready period. I was the first person he asked out and he just realized he wasn’t ready. Even if I was in the same city, the same out come would have happened.

But I am so bummed. He makes me laugh so hard and he is so smart. There are so many things that I thought we clicked on. But he is about to go through his quarter life (he hates his job and he needs a change) let alone he isn’t over his last girlfriend. So I had to let him go.

He said he would check up on me. But the few times we have spoken this week was because I drank and texted him or sent him a funny snapchat. I hate that girl. The girl that purposely tries to get attention. She is desperate and lonely and knows how to get him to response.

But I miss talking to him. I already missed talking to him after I quit my old company but now its a real burn. And I don’t understand why he can’t want to talk to me still.

I am funny, beautiful, successful and one of the kindest people I know.

Why can’t I get pass this phase with anyone? Especially someone I actually like?

The one good thing that came out of this was that I know I am FINALLY over my ex because I have had real feelings for this guy. I even cried.

 

 

Mr. Douche-Brag

I don’t really think of myself as actively looking to date. However…. The boredom of being single has led me to continue my search for the single man, even when I know the picking’s are slim.

I am still only on Bumble. I find Tinder is crawling with even more hook up driven men than before. And they always tend to be around the age of 26. I always find it fascinating when I am matched with one of these characters. And mostly for me, I do it just to see… not really because I think its going to work out. But what I find fascinating is that they want to “hook up” or “get to know me better.” Yes, I am beautiful, and have a good job… but I am on the Eve of 32 and when I was 26 there is no way I was looking to date someone in their 30s.

This leads me to Mr. Douche-Brag

I don’t even remember swiping right on his profile. For one he is blonde, blue eyed… two things I don’t find attractive when mixed together. His photos showed him playing lacrosse (snobby by default) and pictures with his sisters and mom. I didn’t write to him the first 24 hours, so when he chose his one shot and give me another 24 hours to respond, I decided, “Why Not!”

I said hi and soon found myself in very uncomfortable and annoyed place. This guy begins by telling me he makes 6 figures.

BIG F’ING WHOOP.

If I wanted to be with a rich man, I have already had my chance, someone better looking, taller and even with brown hair. But I am not a gold digger…

Then he tells me that he technically lives in DC, but works here during the week only to go home on the weekends.

I wrote back, “So you live a double life I see.”

Oh no. I was in correct. He only worked here because the money was so good but his friends were back in DC.

“Why not just move to Memphis?”

“I like DC better.”

“Then get a job in DC.”

“They pay me so much and they pay for me to stay in a hotel.”

DUDE. Why the hell would I want to start a relationship with someone who lives at the Marriott?

I didn’t respond for a while, because I was talking to my sister on the phone. When I come back, I have paragraphs on paragraphs of his life history. How he played lacrosse in college,  his parents live on a yacht in the Caribbean, and sports is his one true love, but not to worry, he is 6 feet tall so he should pass my height rule.

insert image of blank faced emojie

I still don’t respond. And then he said “Well, let’s see if you can pass my make or break it. Do you likes sports…as in do you play or enjoy watching sports.”

I thought about deleting him right then. But what is the fun in that.

“I do enjoy watching the Memphis Grizzlies at the FedEx Forum. But when it comes to all other sports, if I am not there in person, I do not like to watch them. I do not find it enticing nor fun to sit on a couch and watch hours upon hours of sports. I don’t own a television because I don’t like to waste my life away in that way. And when it comes to being sporty or athletic, sadly I am a talented musician and my time as a child was spent attending operas and singing Arias as opposed to getting sweaty on a field. Not to mention I am the most accident prone person you will ever meet so allowing me to run or kick things was never a good idea.”

His response was just as douchey as I expected.

First he downed my team by saying watching the Grizzlies wasn’t watching real  sports. (I should have blasted his name all over facebook so we could run him our of our beloved Memphis with pitchforks for that horrible comment)

And then he went on to tell me that my parents should have pushed me to become an athlete because it would have made me more well rounded.

Have I mentioned we were talking for a good 30 minutes at this point?

How does he know if I am well rounded or not?

He went on to point out that HE was a college athlete and it really helped him in so many life ways that music certainly couldn’t have done for me.

I responded by saying “I guess I didn’t pass your test.”

He then proceeded to ask me out.

WTF?

Dude…. this is NOT happening.

I wrote him back, nicely declined his invitation and let him know I would be unmatching him immediately.

The search continues….