Dear Rob

Today is always a difficult day for me. This year is no exception. It’s the day after Valentines Day and being perpetually single the sting hurts a bit worse. Although considering last year at this time Valentine’s was so bittersweet. My relationship with my ex was coming to a close and as much as I tried to hold on to it, I was watching helplessly as it slipped through my fingers. I still got flowers and candy (for him to eat, not me since I don’t eat candy), but it was obvious that they were from the cheaper bouquets unlike the large and elaborate ones he had gotten me the first half of our relationship. We made crepes at home instead of going out to dinner. All of these were tell tale signs of the end. The upset feeling from all of that distracted me from today’s date.

At least I am not where I was last year, but it still stings.

The day after Valentine’s Day is February 15th.

To almost everyone else, it is just another day. The day the candy and hearts go on sell at Target. When they immediately start bringing out the Easter baskets and bunnies. It is pay day for some and to others its the downslope of the month.

Today is Robert’s birthday, and if he were alive he would have been 34 years old. This was also the day he passed away, after celebrating his 29th birthday with friends. Robert is my ex that passed away in a car accident and every year on this day, I do get a bit sad and think about our relationship, the good and the bad and all the things I wish I had done differently.

Realizing that it has now been 5 years since I have heard his voice on the phone; since he made me laugh and told me how beautiful I was. It’s been five years since I knew someone was REALLY in my corner not letting me have all those tiny insecurities that brought me down.

We use to email back and forth a lot after I moved back Tennessee and after he died I would send one periodically just to send one. My grief counselor said would help with my closure and it really did those first two years. I decided it was time to send another, however for the first time, the email bounced back. His email is no longer working. I went through my old sent box and the last time I sent one to him was a few months after I started dating my last ex, the first guy I really liked since his death. That was almost two years ago.

I decided to publish my letter here, as my blog is just another way to write out my feelings and send them out to the world, not expecting a response, just like my emails were to him.

 

Dear Rob,

Happy 34th birthday! The last 5 years have flown by since I have heard your voice or seen your sweet face. I know that you are in a far better place but please know that I still think of you often.

Every time I watch the news, or look at CNN, I think of you. You always pushed me to keep up to date  on current events and I wonder what you would make of everything that is going on in our country right now. Your insight was always so profound and insightful.

Things for me are just about the same as they have always been. While I am more successful in my career than two years ago, making a jump to a HUGE company, I am still single. Living by myself in a small apartment, wishing for companionship and a good friend. I travel a lot for work and when I am on the road I don’t seem to pay much attention to it. But I have been pretty sick the last month with a week long hospital stay and some scary health news that has really put into perspective how alone I really am.

When I am in town, I usually keep so busy going to the gym or pilates that I don’t think about it. But since I can’t work out right now, my evenings have been me asking for my friends to please come over, or hang out, or lets get dinner. I have exhausted the few friends in the city I have left and tonight I find myself sitting alone, thinking of you and wishing I could just give you a ring. Right now I really need some words of encouragement, a reminder that everything is going to be ok and I am strong.

But as I write this out, I know you are speaking to me, saying all of this, reassuring me.

I can still hear your voice in my head telling me it all.

Be proud of who I am and what I have done even if I don’t think I am much different than I was five years ago.

I miss you. I could list out all the reasons why and all the small things that made us “us” but it is heartbreaking for me. And I can’t do it to myself again.

Today I celebrate your wonderful life, and how you positively influenced mine and that you continue to do so even though you have been gone for so long now.

Love you x 3,

MR

 

 

 

 

What Does It Mean When A Ghost Returns?

Three months ago I went out for dinner and drinks with a 26 year old. He was super tall, cute and made me laugh. A lot.

When we met up I told myself to have low expectations, for one: because of our age difference and two: because I always feel like I’m not attractive. I didn’t really get the vibe he was that into it but after dinner he suggested we go downtown to the roof of the Madison.

It was still warm so the breeze was perfect and the view of the Mighty Mississippi was breathtaking. I had my second drink and then they shut the bar down. He suggested we go to Sillly Goose, a bar that I find mostly douche bags hang out in. I was hesitant until he said the people watching is amazing there, so I agreed.

We perched ourselves on a couch and began giving voices to the strangers around us. At this point I was still thinking things were platonic so I was able to be more myself than ever. We laughed and laughed. And as midnight grew closer he put his hand on my leg. I was surprised but I didn’t move it.

Shortly after he leaned in for a kiss and we didn’t stop kissing for a good hour. He drove me home but we stayed in the car and made out for a while. Very PG rated but it was hot. He walked me to the door and pinned me against it, not ready for me to escape. I told him I wasn’t ready for anything physical and he said maybe we could go out the next night.

We talked the following day. Both hungover and watching Netflix’s from our own apartments. He said he wasn’t feeling like do anything that even but he would let me know later in the week.

Four days passed and I heard nothing. My feelings were bruised slightly so I decided to check in and say hi.

No response.

The next day I tried again. Same outcome.

I sent him one last text, “Kaleb, it’s ok. I totally get it. You really aren’t that into me. I’m a grown woman and can handle it. I wish you well and hope you enjoy living in Memphis. Take care.”

I washed my hands of it and the next week I started dating Alex. It honestly sucked a bit but not too much. I guarded my heart by having low expectations. I deleted him off snapchat and went on with my life.

And then two weeks ago out of the blue he added me on snapchat again.

I was confused. Maybe he accidently hit the add all contacts. So I deleted him again. He added me back.

He sent me snap asked if I had taken the job where I was interviewing at.  I confirmed. He works for a prospect of one of my coworkers. I had two open seats at a table for this large function people in my industry attend the next week so I asked him if his two bosses would be interested but he said that weren’t. He then came back and said if he wasn’t flying to Atlanta for the week he would have come with me.

Two days past and then this.

“Sorry for being an ass earlier and going silent. It was dumb and I shouldn’t have. I just wanted to tell you.”

I was surprised. I waited for a while before responding. This was the first time someone who ghosted me apologized. I later accepted his apology. What else should I have done?

I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him again. I am firm in my no dating status at the moment, but I did have so much fun with him last time. I am hosting my company’s suite at the Memphis Grizzlies game this Saturday and I had an extra ticket. I told him and asked if he would come. He said he would love to and is looking forward to it.

The week will tell if he actually shows up.

What do you think of all of this?

Have any of you been ghosted only to resurrected?
  Pictures from last week:

Me and Monica at Port Night 

My beautiful friend caroline at her wedding. I sang two songs during the ceremony.

Attended the Carrie Underwood concert on Sunday night.