Counting Down

I find myself always “counting down” to some event. 

12 days until the Ole Miss football game

16 days until Port Night

18 days until my friend’s wedding

35 days until I fly to NYC

36 days until I see Hamilton

And for years my favorite countdown: the days and weekends until Christmas.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love to decorate for it and people would even pay me to do it for them. And once I even won a national contest when I worked for a department store. 

But for the first time, I am not excited about Christmas. I usually get excited for Halloween as well, but I didn’t decorate nor do I plan on dressing up this year. My family; we haven’t really had a real one in four years. Three years ago I was in a horrible car accident a week before Christmas. 

Two years ago my sister’s marriage was falling apart in the most dramatic way so our holidays were ruined. Last year my stepfather had a stem cell transplant at the beginning of December so my mother chose not to have the house decorated. I was living with my boyfriend and he refused to let me put up a tree. I did decorate my desk at work and won a prize, but overall it never felt like a real holiday. I only spent about two hours with my own family because I was expected to be at all these other functions for my ex’s family. He wouldn’t even come up with me to my little two hour watching my nephews open their presents event.

And here we are. The end of October, November coming close and I haven’t even counted down the days to my favorite holiday. Between my mother’s grief over loosing my stepdad and her already moving on, I just don’t feel like it will be much of a holiday. My sister does her own thing, and while I can count on my dad to try and do something, my stepmom usually ruins it in some way. 

I hope once the season actually gets going maybe I will feel different. And maybe if I just go ahead and decorate it will help me. 

They say that holidays are the most depressing time of year. 


Christmas decorate from 2014

No Longer Drinking

Last Saturday night me and my friends gathered at my favorite place to celebrate my 32nd birthday. Overall turning 32 hasn’t bothered me. Sure, it makes me realize how much closer I am to 40, still single and longing for a family of my own. But I am fairly content other than that.


The night started off great. Me and my friend Liz sipped sweet tea and spoke about how thankful we were for our friendships. As more and more of my friends trickled in, I ordered a plate of pork tenderloin and veggies. And then I began to order drinks.

The last two years or so I have really cut back my drinking. But from time to time, if there is a special event and friends are together, I end up drinking way too much. I was the girl who always wanted to take shots and had “grand ideas” about drinking. And typically my friends know to say NO. But since it was my birthday they gave into my wishes.

This is where things begin to get hazy. I had invited the guy who I have taken over for at work. He is in the middle of divorce and older. But he came out because they were showing games. I end up pushing my friends to take more shots meanwhile apparently coming on to my coworker.

Talk about embarrassing.

I believe I drank 5 tequila sunrises and six shots. I remember leaving the yard to head to a bar. And from there I have no memory. My friends got me home ok and despite loosing my raybans, I managed to home and in the bed before midnight.

Sunday, I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong. I called my friends to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. And luckily I didn’t, but they didn’t realize how drunk I was. They just knew I was ready to leave once my co worker left. 

👎🏼

TMI. I never throw up. Like never!

But I did for 12 hours even after there was nothing left. If I even semi sipped a drink of water, it came right back up. And this lasted through half of Monday. I basically came to the conclusion I must have had some form of alcohol poisoning.

32 years, and 11 years of drinking and I poisoned myself.

I’m disappointed in myself. Mostly for the 200 dollar tab I discovered on my card. 

Did I mention I get generous when I drink?

The thought of even a sip of alcohol again makes me sick. I don’t plan on drinking again anytime soon. And I was reminded again that I am not 22. 

Procrastination

That is what I have been doing for the last month of so. Between switching jobs, dating someone new, breaking up with him, dealing with the loss of another special person in my life, and just living… I have procrastinated posting. 

But with my 32nd birthday less than a week away, I felt the need to get some of this out into the world. I mean, this is why I blog, right? 

To get things off my chest.

To hear I am not alone in this crazy place and that other singles my age are going through the same shit.

Right?

Right.

Life is pretty good right now. I am still training for my 10K and have almost finished raising the 500 dollars I pledged to raise for st Jude. I also started taking a real Pilates class now that we finally have a real Pilates club in Memphis. I love it! It is addictive and works my entire body for days.

I was dating a guy but I knew in my gut I was just going through the motions. Plus he was very passive aggressive when I tried expressing my feelings. I don’t have time for that. We have spoken since, but he repeatedly asks to meet up and I refuse because I know he thinks if I see him I will change my mind. This is not the case. I have really come to terms that it is time to be single for a while especially in his transitional time. 


Meanwhile, I have had some great times with great friends. Even catching up with some people I haven’t talked to in years. This really is a good point in my life and I don’t feel the need to get tied down at the moment. I found myself annoyed with telling somewhere that I was going to be somewhere and planning when we would meet up.

The reality is I am busy. And when I’m not busy, I like to relax not run around everywhere to please a guy I’m dating just to date.

I’ll try to do better at posting.