Insomnia rarely plagues me. I typically fall asleep so soundly. Even the last few months and especially since moving to my own place.
But my mind is all over the place now. I “gave up” online dating again only to be succumbed by boredom that I jumped back in. I immediately meet three men who spark my interest. I met all three. One he lost interest when he realized I wasn’t a partier. The other two both interested in me but I felt nothing at all.
And that’s the main point.
I meet my friend Monica out this even and everywhere I looked were couples. This normally never bothers me. But I suddenly missed my ex. Deeply.
I even left early to head home because I felt tears coming. And why? It’s been over five months. It’s over. It’s done.
Why am I still this sad? I don’t remember being sad this long after the others. I don’t remember feeling so rejected and confused even months after knowing it was the right thing.
And yet I miss him.
I miss how special he made me feel. I miss his stupid clothes and his picky eating habits. I miss the dumb tv shows and how we had to watch them. I miss arguing over where we should eat dinner and which Chinese restaurant was the best. I miss how he made me laugh and how he use to look at me. I misshapen overly thoughtful he was about things I never thought of. I miss it all. I wish I could turn back and go to a year ago because at this time last year I was so happy.
I miss him.
I know trying to date the last five months has been a complete waste of time. I am not over this relationship and I don’t know how to get over it.
There has been so much I wanted to tell him. Like how my stepfather passed away in May and I still havent grieved. Or that my sister finally started therapy after begging her for the entire time I was dating him. Or how the two crazy women at work finally got fired so there’s no reason for me to complain anymore.
But I can’t.
I’m gone to him. I’m in the past. One of his friends told me once he dumped her she is gone from him mind. He never mentions her again.
I Wish I could put him behind me. And completely forget him. I need to put him away but tonight I am lying here, crying, unable to sleep.