I don’t really think of myself as actively looking to date. However…. The boredom of being single has led me to continue my search for the single man, even when I know the picking’s are slim.
I am still only on Bumble. I find Tinder is crawling with even more hook up driven men than before. And they always tend to be around the age of 26. I always find it fascinating when I am matched with one of these characters. And mostly for me, I do it just to see… not really because I think its going to work out. But what I find fascinating is that they want to “hook up” or “get to know me better.” Yes, I am beautiful, and have a good job… but I am on the Eve of 32 and when I was 26 there is no way I was looking to date someone in their 30s.
This leads me to Mr. Douche-Brag
I don’t even remember swiping right on his profile. For one he is blonde, blue eyed… two things I don’t find attractive when mixed together. His photos showed him playing lacrosse (snobby by default) and pictures with his sisters and mom. I didn’t write to him the first 24 hours, so when he chose his one shot and give me another 24 hours to respond, I decided, “Why Not!”
I said hi and soon found myself in very uncomfortable and annoyed place. This guy begins by telling me he makes 6 figures.
BIG F’ING WHOOP.
If I wanted to be with a rich man, I have already had my chance, someone better looking, taller and even with brown hair. But I am not a gold digger…
Then he tells me that he technically lives in DC, but works here during the week only to go home on the weekends.
I wrote back, “So you live a double life I see.”
Oh no. I was in correct. He only worked here because the money was so good but his friends were back in DC.
“Why not just move to Memphis?”
“I like DC better.”
“Then get a job in DC.”
“They pay me so much and they pay for me to stay in a hotel.”
DUDE. Why the hell would I want to start a relationship with someone who lives at the Marriott?
I didn’t respond for a while, because I was talking to my sister on the phone. When I come back, I have paragraphs on paragraphs of his life history. How he played lacrosse in college, his parents live on a yacht in the Caribbean, and sports is his one true love, but not to worry, he is 6 feet tall so he should pass my height rule.
insert image of blank faced emojie
I still don’t respond. And then he said “Well, let’s see if you can pass my make or break it. Do you likes sports…as in do you play or enjoy watching sports.”
I thought about deleting him right then. But what is the fun in that.
“I do enjoy watching the Memphis Grizzlies at the FedEx Forum. But when it comes to all other sports, if I am not there in person, I do not like to watch them. I do not find it enticing nor fun to sit on a couch and watch hours upon hours of sports. I don’t own a television because I don’t like to waste my life away in that way. And when it comes to being sporty or athletic, sadly I am a talented musician and my time as a child was spent attending operas and singing Arias as opposed to getting sweaty on a field. Not to mention I am the most accident prone person you will ever meet so allowing me to run or kick things was never a good idea.”
His response was just as douchey as I expected.
First he downed my team by saying watching the Grizzlies wasn’t watching real sports. (I should have blasted his name all over facebook so we could run him our of our beloved Memphis with pitchforks for that horrible comment)
And then he went on to tell me that my parents should have pushed me to become an athlete because it would have made me more well rounded.
Have I mentioned we were talking for a good 30 minutes at this point?
How does he know if I am well rounded or not?
He went on to point out that HE was a college athlete and it really helped him in so many life ways that music certainly couldn’t have done for me.
I responded by saying “I guess I didn’t pass your test.”
He then proceeded to ask me out.
Dude…. this is NOT happening.
I wrote him back, nicely declined his invitation and let him know I would be unmatching him immediately.
The search continues….