When we are in the middle of a relationship, we tend to overlook all the warning signs that something just isn’t right. While we are in the middle of being “in love” we push away all the signs that our partner isn’t good for us or probably anyone else.
I dated someone for 10 months last year. I have mentioned this a few other times in my blog.
This week a friend of mine helped me recall something, that at the time I just discounted.
My friend Liz said, “MR, I really thought he was just weird, gay, or… something else.”
My mind was racing. Something else? Like what?!
She said, “I got this vibe that he was… more womanly than you.”
I thought about it for a moment. Looking back; past the rejection, I remembered the first few months we dated. And all of the “weird” things that should have made me run from him.
1). The way he would smile goofily with his finger to his mouth. I don’t even know if I can truly describe this. IT. WAS. ODD. And oddly girlish. The first time he did it, it was a photo he showed me of himself from the Big Wig Ball he had attended without me right after we started dating. I thought, ‘He is just being silly for the photo.’ But many other times he did this. I swear every time he did my eyes would double in size.
2). TMI, but when we first started having sex, he had issues finishing. He would tell me he thought he needed to “go to the doctor” because this had happened before. I told him we just needed to take our time and there was no rush. It got better and then it got worse before the break up. Once again, I told myself that there were so many other good qualities about him that I needed to overlook this.
3). We had to see his sister EVERYDAY. He had three sisters, but the closest in age to him (by 13 months) lived two streets over. Before me, he hadn’t dated in two years. She and her husband would joke about how he was ALWAYS at their house, like their little kid. We had our moments away, but literally we had to pick them up for everything. I felt as if his sister was in the middle of our relationship. At one point he even told me that I shouldn’t become too friendly with her, because HE was her best friend. And that he found it odd anytime one of his girlfriends got to close to her. It hurt my feelings. I stopped trying so hard with her after this.
Their closeness didn’t stop there. We would be dining at restaurants and he would text her to see what kind of dessert he should get. Or he would order her food and we would take it to her. On the way somewhere he would often want to drive by her house even if it wasn’t on the way just “to check on things.” We rarely planned a date where he wouldn’t say, “Let’s see if Kate can come.”
Once I gave him an odd look after one of these comments. My face is very descriptive, especially when it comes to my emotions. He looked at me sharply, “What was that look for?” I wanted to say, “Because you and your sister are WEIRD.” but instead I just said, “I am just worried about Kate, that’s all.”
This was something else I saved for just my analyzing. I honestly did think that it would one day come down between she and I, but had I decided this was a real issue early on, I believe it would have saved me some heart ache.
4). He wanted to wear my Halloween costumes. We had been invited to one of my friend’s Halloween parties. I was feeling insecure because I had put on some weight the last few months, so I figured instead of buying a brand new costume, I would reuse an old one. I brought five down to his house to try on. I was so excited for us to attend a party as a couple, but when I would bring it up and ask him what he was going to wear, he would just say, “I’ll figure it out later.”
A week before the party, him, me, his sister and her husband were at dinner. His sister asked what we were going as for Halloween. I said, “Well, I am going as a 1920s flapper. Not sure what he will be.” She pointed the question to him and he said, “I’ll wear whatever she doesn’t wear.”
His sister just giggled. She thought it was hilarious. And at first I laughed too. And then I said, “Are you serious?”
And he said, “Yes, I just thought I would be you dressing up for Halloween.”
Now, maybe to some people that is funny. But first off, apparently for Halloween in the past he would dress in women’s Halloween costumes. Second, the fact that he thought he could FIT into MY Halloween costumes that were made by ME. Which means that fit MY body.
I have woman’s body. Hourglass and curvy. He is 6’4 and broad shoulder. My waist is 28 inches.
When we got home later, I asked him again what he was going to be. And he replied, “I’ll wear one of your dresses.”
I said, “Honey, you can’t fit in them.”
“I bet I can.”
I shook my head and went to the closet. Brought them out. One by one he “tried” them on and one by one they DID NOT FIT.
He seemed so let down. So disappointed that he wasn’t going to get to wear MY CLOTHES.
From then on, I began to pay more attention to my closet at his house. I swear when I would be gone for a few days and come in for the weekend that it appears that they were moved around. Maybe it was just paranoia but a big part of me thinks he really wants to BE a woman. More importantly, BE HIS SISTER.
There were many more issues. Between no communication, childish behaviors, and odd family behavior dynamics, I am lucky to have gotten away. But these 4 issues are the ones I keep looking back on and thinking, “What was I thinking staying with him?”
The day before we broke up he had to go on a sister date with his sister. He had to discuss our relationship with her, even though he wouldn’t even discuss it with me.
And still, I miss the MFer. But I know its the rejection. Truly.
Have any of you been in relationships where something was BALANTLY wrong but you stayed?
And if they ended it, did you still feel so rejected even though you knew the whole time it wasn’t going to work?