Musical Life

If I could live my fantasy, it would be on the stage. The musical theatre stage.


To be exact.

But fear, parental consent, and so many other self inflicted stops halted my dream. From time to time I dive back in, performing in regional theatre. Last year I was 1/2 the narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. A dream come true even it was just regional theatre.

Me performing in Joseph last summer 

Me and two of my costars last year during Joseph

Joseph cast

Being silly back stage

Last year was the busiest I have ever been, yet the happiest. Me and my ex had just started officially dating. He came opening night brought the biggest boutique of flowers as a surprise. That was the night he met my sister. I was head over heels for him and it just added to all of the excitement. I was doing something I loved and then I found someone I loved.

This weekend the same theater opened their summer musical, Mary Poppins. My costar in Joseph was playing the lead so I promised her I would come to opening night. I contacted our other lead so me and him could go together as a reunion of sorts.

He and I got to catch up. He is graduating from college. Has so much hope for his future. And he asked about me and the ex. Like said, last summer I was so happy.

This summer I had no play, no budding romance.

Mary Poppins was excellent and my friend did an amazing job. 

I feel like most of my life is running or hiding from dreams of mine. Being on a broadway and finding “the one”. I basically have put them in the same basket. 

Both impossible to reach. 


Crazy For A Tuesday

This day just began it is now over. Four client calls (which all went great), a fabulous lunch at YaYa’s, a visit to the Little Rock Chamber of Commerce, delivered cookies, a hilarious 2.5 hour drive back with my boss and then a visitation for a friends brother. 

My day was insane! 

Every time I visit little rock it pours on me. Today was the first day it didn’t but as we crossed the Mississippi River a rain cloud was dropping all its weight on the Bluff City. 

Night Out

Ever have one of those nights where you just plan on going one place but you end up going all the places you said you wouldn’t step foot in again?

That was my Saturday night.

Started off harmless at Memphis Made Brewery, then Slider Inn. Then we had the great idea to venture off to downtown, stand in line for Raifords where we danced on the elevated floor, walked back down to Beale to enter hell at 152, checked out at Tin Roof and stumbled back to the car around 2:30. We had to crawl under a closed gate to get to the car.

Did I mention I have had pneumonia?
Party on…

Sometimes I forget I am 31.

These are the only three photos I took of the evening. I’ll try and remember to take more next time. 

The Divorced Dad # 1

I debated whether or not to write about this one. He caught me off guard last week and I have already discussed it with a few friends I have met on wordpress. But with nothing really else to write about, I have decided to divulge.

I had decided to give Bumble a try. I ran across his profile; every photo was him and two young sons. They were 11 and 8 and so I thought, that isn’t too bad. His profile said that he was just getting into dating, but looking for something serious, not a fling. He immediately message me. He told me he was a pharmacist but he also own two gyms and had his pilot liscense. I was aprehensive and asked him several questions about his children. I have never been against dating someone with kids, seeing as I am not in my early thirties and it is bound to happen. I am still not sure if I want kids of my own, but I wouldn’t discount someone just because they have kids. I look at my sister’s failed marriage as what happen when you are young and dumb. We change so much by the time we are in our 30s so it is bound to happen that people end up divorced.

For four days he actively pursuded me. He called and we spoke on the phone. I found his voice flirtaious and sweet and the way he talked about his kids was who I wish my sister did. He regard them as a burden but the best thing that came out of his failed marriage. He asked for us to meet for lunch on Saturday, but I was ready to meet this guy. The way I look at it is if we go ahead and meet, then I haven’t wasted too much time fantasying about how a person is. The reality hits for both of us.

I suggested coffee at Starbucks on Tuesday afternoon. We met and sparks flew. I was immediatly attracted to him and he seemed to have the same reaction to me. In person I asked how his relationship was with his ex wife. He spoke of how she cheated on him over two years ago and that they had been seprated since. I asked if there was any chance of reconciliation and he laughed at the idea. He said that they had both moved on. That although they were still business partners (own two gyms together) there was no “love” left. And he was ready to move on. I was sad when our date began to end but he immediately asked if we would still have lunch on Saturday. I was excited and said yes. We planned lunch and a walk downtown. He told me he wanted to kiss me, but I still had a cold and would wait.

He called me later that evening and I felt the butterflies rush in. I was really excited about this one. But I was painfully aware that he only began dating two months ago.

Wednesday and Thursday he still actively spoke to me all day. But by Friday the texts began to fade. I was working from home that day due to my illness getting worse but I accepted that he was busy flying to Little Rock to pick up his kids from summer camp. I thought “This will give us more to talk about on Saturday.”

Saturday morning comes and for the first time I didn’t get a sweet good morning message. By 11 I became concerned so I asked him if we were still on for lunch. He confirmed and said it would be either 12 or 1 because his ex had to come pick up the kids at his house. At noon he said it would be one. And by 12:30 he told me she still hadn’t showed up and he feared she had realized he was trying to move on with his life and decided not to come and get the kids. He said that they shared an icloud account still, and that it appeared to him that she could maybe see our messages.

He asked if I could wait, to which I responded that i was hungry and didn’t feel like waiting on day. But that we could reschedule when he knew he wouldn’t have his children. He apologized profusingly. I asked him to call me so we could discuss it not on text and he said he couldn’t.

This I find odd. If you know your ex wife can see your messages, why would you not want to call instead. He said he was on the phone with Apple trying to figure out how to make it so she couldn’t see their messages. I told him I was disappointed but I completely understood and requested he call me later on so we can figure out when to reschedule.

I haven’t heard from him since.

I hate this feeling of aniexty and rejection when I don’t even know why. What happened?

A friend told me he obviously isn’t over his ex. And that possibly he was using me as a way to gage her behavior.

Either way, i am not sure I will be dating another divorced dad again.

There is just way too much baggage to deal with, without a wife and kids, let a lone throwing that into the mix.

Back to square one.





Love Languages

While taking a sabbatical from dating I decided to bring out one of my favorite books to read. The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. When dealing with people it is good to understand how they perceive love and give it. It has been a good two years since I read the book and given my singleness status yet again I decided I should brush up on my love languages.

I had already finished half of the book but it really has helped me see some mistakes I made on my past relationship. For one, my ex was into giving “gifts” and “acts of service”  as a way to show love but wasnt into receiving them. When I tried cleaning his house for him he  became  very angry with me. When I bought him a meat hammer he seemed weary of the act, even though he often bought me presents and gave me flowers. He was peculiar to say the least.

I do exhibit some of this same behavior. While I am great at give affirmations to everyone around me, I find it awkward when people do it to me. I don’t need them to feel good, and I almost feel like people are trying to get something out of me by giving them. When I look back at our relationship and I see that this is probably how he felt about my actions even though I was doing them to show I cared.

Relationships are a tricky thing especially when one has such a hard time expressing themselves like my ex did. The more I think about it the more I can come to terms that until he learns how to express his feelings he will always end up in the same boat that we did. And this was not my fault. I tried to speak his love languages but he wasn’t aware.

I sometimes wish I could have left this book for him, but I know he wouldn’t have read it. Thinking it as some bull crap self help book and believe he was far above learning to express his feelings. 

Have any of the rest of your read this book or others in the series? What love languages do you speak?

I received:

– Quality of time: I feel the most “loved” when people spend time with me. Just the act of being with my friends, family or significant other makes me all happy. 

– Acts of Service: I appreciate when people go out of their way to do things for me, and often go out of my way for people because of this. 

Another One Bites The Dust

Just as I was reconsidering Mr Nashville after out wonderful date he calls this afternoon to let me know that he isn’t interested in me. 

He does tell me how wonderful I am, pretty and all, and that I will find a man more deserving of me one day. He prayed a lot about it and came to the conclusion that we both felt this way. 

And he is right. Something was missing but there was still a hope that it might grow. I’m sad because I feel like I am back where I was five months ago. Feeling rejected and alone but knowing how great I really am. There were many things about him that I’m not sure I could live with. Between the no drinking, the very conservative views, and his “know it all” attitude. He needs someone less high maintenance and more easy going.

I wished him the best and he asked if we could still be friends. Of course I said yes but we all know that isn’t real or true.

Thinking before speaking

I was on a date with Mr Nashville last night. He decided to drive to Memphis on a whim, and although I have been sick with the plague this week I was interested to see if this date would be different than the debacle that was last week.

He picked me up at my apartment. I decided to wear a red long flowing maxi since it wasnt too hot with the recent rains cooling the summer night air. I kept saying to myself, “please don’t have on crocs, please don’t have on crocs.”

He didnt. But he was also dressed down. Khaki cargo pants and a Memphis motorcycle club tee shirt. He said, “wow you look beautiful.” I thanked him but I wanted to remind him we are still dating and he still needs to try but I let the words just linger in my head instead.

We decided on sushi for dinner and drove to east Memphis. The same restaurant me and Number Four would frequent. I was nervous at first that we would see him or his sister but I had to let those fears ago. Once inside we started talking and it good again. Maybe he really was just tired last weekend or maybe I was. He asked questions about the night before and suggested we find some live music to go to. 

I found free live music at Loflin Yard. I hadn’t been in a few weeks and I thought this would be a great atmosphere to take Mr Nashville. Test out the waters. I was interested to see how he would handle being around alcohol, ( he is a 13 year recovered alcoholic) but he had no problems.

The music was ok, mostly covers by a guy/girl duo. The bugs were biting and we were thankful for the bug spray they were passing out.

As we sat under the lawn lights and people watched he asked me,” When are you truly happy?”

I had to pause. He told me I didn’t have to answer right away but he was curious. He said that he was his happiest outside, riding a dirt bike or running those seven miles he does a day. He doesn’t even listen to music when he runs. He said his mind just empties and he is relaxed. I liked his answer. 

My answer revolved being with family and friends. I feel the most happy when I am sharing time with someone. This goes back to one of my love languages, Quailty Of Time. If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages I suggest it. I do also like being active. Sitting at home makes me sad so this week I have been more bummed.

A breeze picked up and I got chilled. It was time to end the date. He drove me home and walked me to my door. 

Just a hug, no kiss.