Throwing Out the Rules

I did something very unlike myself and was completely inspire by Taylor Swift’s latest relationship.

I know.

That is lame!

But WAIT! Hear me out!

I have been following Taylor’s latest relationship with Tom Hiddleston. They are both just DIVING in.

But what about the rules? Neither of them seemed to care. Just two weeks before making out on a beach, Taylor was going through the end of her 15 month long love story with Calvin Harris. And BAM, the girl is on the move! No “mourning period.” She is in a full fledged, meet the parents, and jet set around the world relationship.

I found myself asking “Why I can’t do that?”

Not the jet-setting, obviously… I mean more of the taking a dive. Oh well if you get hurt, at least you have a good story to tell and inspiration for a new album.

Sunday afternoon I was bored to death. I had been laying out by the pool with my mom all morning and then a storm blew up. There wasn’t a book I wanted to read, a tv show I felt compelled to get lost in. And then Mr. Smooth Voice gave me a ring. He was driving back from his mountain biking trip in Georgia and just wanted to hear MY voice. He was only an hour away from Nashville.

We met about a month ago on Tinder. He was in Memphis visiting his family but he lives in Nashville. At first I just tried to shove him off since he lived 3 hours away. I have done long distance before and it was pretty one sided on my part. No need to do that to myself again. But we continued to talk and he started calling me everyday. He has one of those deep bass voices, like that country singer, Josh Turner. He is southern, a gentleman, a devote Christian, and very understanding to all my rambles. His plan was to come in for the Fourth of July weekend to take me out on a date so we could officially meet.

“What if I drove to Nashville tonight?” I asked, and waiting for him to come up with some excuse for me not to.

“I mean, I would love to take you out. Come on!”

I melted. Then my brain started to talk me out of it. He could be a murderer, a rapist, a thief. Didn’t you JUST get on to your sister for doing this exact same thing? So now you are a hypocrite?

He then said, “Why don’t you think about it and give me a call if you want to. I have a spare bedroom with its own bathroom. You wouldn’t have to drive back and I promise I won’t be pressuring you to do something.”

I thought of Taylor Swift and her not giving a shits about what the world thinks of her and dear old Loki. And I was INSPIRED.

We hung up  and I made mad dash to the bathroom to get showered, changed and packed in less than 20 minutes. I said bye to my mom and called him from the car. He was beyond excited.

Three hours later when I finally got to Nashville the first words out of his mouth when he met me in the parking lot were “Wow, you are more beautiful in person.” I knew I made the right decision.

We had Thai food and talked for another three hours but what seemed like minutes. And before I knew it, it was 10:30 and time to go to sleep. He gave me a sweet hug and that was it. He showed me how to make coffee  (he had to be up much earlier than I) and told me to make myself at home.

I fell straight to sleep in the spare bedroom but longed to be in his arms. I heard him leave at 5:30am and I was instantly sad I didn’t try to get up to meet him before he left. He sent me a text letting me know he had gotten to work and what to do with the key once I left. I fell back to sleep for another two hours before I needed to get up and I had the sweetest dream about him coming back early.

Meeting someone and dreaming about them immediately is a new for me.

It was only one date, and a 6 hours drive total. But so far I like this man a lot. And Thursday seems like a million miles away.

 

 

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The Ex-Factors

This has been the week of the Ex’s.

I technically count 4 men my Ex’s. These are the relationships where I was actually considered a girlfriend.

I was reminded of Ex # 2 on Tuesday. The dates of this week marked when he and I officially began dating more than 6 years ago. It was summertime in Texas, I was 26 and not focused of dating. When we began the story of us, I was completely oblivious to his pursuit. I fell slowly, but once I did it was wonderful. Long distance, quiet walks, and his humor still come to mind. His untimely death two years later still haunts me and kept me from dating for several years while I recovered.

On Wednesday, I was surfing my pinterest when Ex # 3 popped up on my pinned board. This was the guy I tried to make it work with, even though he was with someone else. He did hide the fact he was with someone else, but I still tried to make it work even though we would break up once a month. He seemed to always come back to me for some reason but in the end I hammered the final nail in the coffin when I told the other woman about me and him. I made it impossible to get back with him and so that he would hate me. In the end, he married her.

Yesterday at a golf tournament, I ran into Ex #1. My high school love. I haven’t seen him in 5 years, since his wedding (yes I went to it and yes I was invited and NO I did not try to stop the wedding). It took me 4 long years to get over this relationship once it ended. Back then, he was hilarious, cute, and made my heart flutter like no one else really has. I was so “in love” as an 18 year old that when we broke up I wasn’t sure I could do it again. We tried to get back together a few years later but we had both changed so much it couldn’t work, so we decided to be friends. Seeing him yesterday really got me thinking about ALL of my Ex’s.

Especially the latest one. It has been 4 months since we broke up. And I am still confused and angry, mostly at myself.

I see where I went wrong as well as him.

It was NEVER going to work.

But how did I end up there? With someone who couldn’t communicate with me, yet I allowed it? With someone who we both just went through the motions with? And yet I miss him so much?

I have to look back at all of the Ex’s to try and make sense of it all.

After Ex #1, I decide never to date the “Mr. Popular” again. That’s what he was, he was cute, all the other girls had crushes on him, and all the guys wants to be friends with him. It was all a little too much. So I refused to go down that path again. I had opportunities in college, but dating the guy with who everyone wants to be with is exhausting. Always having to be “On.”

When I started dating Ex #2, I didn’t realize it. I thought he was beautiful; tall (6’4), dark (Mexican), and so very handsome. The first time I laid eyes on him I was convinced he was some Spanish movie star. When he introduced himself to me, I was shocked and then completely off-putted on how he said his name. As if saying it with an accent would immediately land me. Like I said, I had already dating “Mr. Popular” good-looking guy, and I refused his advances. But I did agree to be his friend. This actually made him want me more, and work to ease his way into my heart. It worked over time, but he was different than #1. His looks were ten times better, but he didn’t “know it.” I remember going to the movies with him and seeing all the girls straighten up when he was buying popcorn, flashing that brilliant smile of his. And their let down faces once they realized he was with me. He was a Christian, devoted to his bible readings, but he had a fear of me cheating on him. So when I had to move back home to help take care of my Mother who had breast cancer, it was too much for him. We broke up, but remained close even up until his death. He even tried to get back with me once, but I was stubborn and told him if we broke up once, we would again. There was no need for second chances.

Somewhere in the middle of getting over #2, I ran into #3 at a bar. He was tall, dark, and not that handsome. I had decided NOT to date Mr. Beautiful and instead date a guy more on my level. I was 27, and determined to be married before my 30th birthday. I didn’t even LIKE him that much. His voice, his teeth, EVERYTHING got on my nerves. Until he ended it with me a month in. Suddenly I felt rejected like I had never felt. I let him go and when he came back two weeks later I decided try the second chance. I mean, I missed up with #2, there is no reason to do it with #3. HUGE MISTAKE. I began to realize he was also dating someone else, but I was convinced he liked me more. We saw each other almost everything, he introduced me to his dad, he spent holidays with me, when could he really see her?! We broke up 3 more times over the next 4 months, each time him coming back and each time me taking him back. When the truth finally right in my face I had to make it impossible. From there I decided to really take a genuine break from dating.

A break that last four years.

I guess I am still in this place. How does one end up in a relationship? All the mistakes I made with the past guys; I just couldn’t do it again. Making up all these rules to follow. I wanted to throw them out the window.

So when #4 showed up, I told myself to not care. He wasn’t Mr. Beautiful, he wasn’t Mr. Poplar, and he wasn’t Mr. Cheater. He was kind and sweet. His clothes bothered me, but in the long run if he was nice to me, who cares? And he was nice to me, more so than all the others. He brought me flowers, and listened to my rambles, and planned a birthday party for me. He introduced me to his sister and his family 2 months in and he was the first guy I had brought home since #1. But at the same time, there was “something” missing. I still can’t put my finger on it. He would later say there was no spark, but I know I still loved him. I saw a future together with him and sometimes I still do. He refused to tell me how he felt, he would say “Can’t you tell from my actions?” (flowers, letting me stay with him, taking me to dinners, buying me things) But some of his actions contradicted this. He would tell me how unfunny I was, he would sometimes give me looks that felt harsh, and imply I wasn’t smart. And the worst thing was even thought I could talk to him all day and all night, I couldn’t open up about #2. The loss of him made me want to find something and hold on and never let go. I didn’t truly realize this until I found myself in another relationship. I was constantly worried of something happening to #4. But I also felt like I was the BEST girl he had ever dated, there was NO WAY he would end things with me. His family appeared to love me (once of his sisters even implied about us getting married in front of him!). I thought it was in the BAG. I thought that or non-communication was just “us”. We never fought, we were just there and I was content. When it unraveled I felt like #2 had died all over again.

This week has had me really thinking about all of them and how I got to this place in my life. 31, single, and still trying to figure everything out.

Was it even possible to feel that kind of love again? The spark that me and #1 had has never been duplicated. Even yesterday I still felt a tiny ting of it even if we haven’t been together in 13 years. Is this the thing I was really missing in #3 and #4? Was it even there with #2?

#4 told me that what he was missing with me was this undeniable “spark”. I told him I too had had it once, but it was my first love. I am not sure if you can still have that first feeling of euphoric love once it has passed.

Or am I looking in the wrong places?

I have tried not to set “rules” for myself, as I have done in the passed. But still, I find myself doing that with the people I dating now.

Or should I stop looking so much at the past? They say that the past defines us and if that is true how can I not look back?

 

 

Breaking Up With Nothing

I have found myself in a strange place.

Somehow I have been dating someone for two months (we are not IN a relationship) and it has hit me that I don’t want to anymore. I can’t really put my finger on it or when it happen, but suddenly I am not longer attracted to this person, emotionally or physically.

The reason that this is uncharted territory for me is because typically I know within a two week period if this will work or not. And when it doesn’t I am quick to end it. But this time because of other circumstances (the death of my stepfather and stresses from work) I was lending on him from the very beginning and ignoring a lot of warning signs that my feelings would begin to falter.

I feel horrible about this. He is a great guy; he is nice, funny, and well mannered. He can communicate his feelings, something I haven’t had a in my last relationship. But something is still “missing.” We are not “equally yoked”, as my sister would say.

I don’t know how to end this. I don’t know how to say “I am sorry, but it isn’t working.” And I know I should JUST SAY THAT but I am finding it hard to form the words around him even though my feelings are not in it anymore.

I am lost. Feeling guilty.

And yet I just want to be alone right now.

I Choose Sleep

I recently got in touch with my roommate from college. We haven’t hung out/partied together in about four years and I honestly have no idea what she has been up to (besides what appears on FB). I was really looking forward to having dinner, a drink, and catch up time.

We had been discussing meeting up for two weeks when it finally came down to setting a date and time.

Me: “Are you still good with meeting up on Thursday?”

Her: “Of course! But I don’t get done teaching until 7:45pm so we can meet up around 8:30.”

My heart sank.

It isn’t her fault that I wake up at 5:00 am every morning and that my schedule is much more like that of a 65 year old woman’s (I would know, I do live with one and I call her Mom).

I immediately was angry with her. How is that she can still have this lifestyle? Does she not realize that people have jobs where they need to be at work at 8 am NOT 8 PM? Or that some of us workout in the mornings and not at night?

And just like that my anger because jealousy.

Jealousy is an emotion I feel quite often and I don’t really have a problem admitting it.  I am jealous of most of my married friends. I am jealous that my sister gets to act like a kid all day while I have gray hair and wrinkles from the stresses of my job. I am jealous of Blake Lively’s hair, skin, husband and body.

Her life seems so carefree. She’s a dancer teacher. She hasn’t had a “normal” job ever and once again she gets to keep living as if she is in college. (I am pretty sure her parents pay hers’ and her sister’s rent).

The next step is moving past the jealousy.

My life is pretty awesome. I work for a company that promoted me. I have a brand new car (and the payments to go with it). I don’t mind being single and alone and for the first time I actually have a handle on my finances.

While I wish I could meet up with her and go over the past four years…

I would rather sleep.

“Sorry girl. I wake up at 5 am every morning to work out so I am usually asleep by 9. Maybe we can get something down next week!”

I doubt we will ever hang out.

MR

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Adult? Single? Female? Yes.

Hola.

My name is Mary Ruth, and am 31 years old, beautiful, talented, quirky, weird and very much SINGLE woman from nowhere TN. The story of my 31 years of singleness often comes up on a day-to-day basis. From strangers to family members, the fact that I have not tied down a husband or even a boyfriend past 10 months seems odd to everyone. “You are too intimidating!” “You’re very independent.” “You are sometimes too honest.” “You just haven’t found the right person.” “There is a special plan for you, my dear.”

I have heard it all, and then some.

The reality is, I am better off single. I have a new foundation and love for being alone thanks to become unaided again at the end of February. We were together for 10 months; I had accidentally moved in, and I thought our lives would be intertwined forever. We never fought, liked the same tv shows and movies and went about our days without conflict. I was happy. I thought I was happy. But I wasn’t myself either. I had become this insecure person, terrified that he would realize I wasn’t truly being myself, and slowly he did. Soon, it felt like we were 100 miles from each other even though we sat on the same couch. Before I knew, I was packing up my things and we were over.

At first I was hurt, angry, and felt like I messed up AGAIN. But the truth is, that I didn’t mess up. He did. He wanted to see me for something that I could never be, and although I did allow it, what he wants isn’t real. After months of soul-searching and dating a few other men, I have come to the conclusion I would rather just be by myself than date these men who have idealistic images of what their girlfriend/wife should be.

No longer will have to hear that his music is better than mine. No longer will I have to discuss what tv shows to watch, and which restaurants to eat at. I am going to live my life as if I just want to be alone, and no more trying to please a man that I am dating.

I have decided to document my time dating while trying to be alone. This is new for me, so will see where it goes and if it continues.

I’ll ask it again, join me on this crazy ride and let’s see how long we can stay on?

MR